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What Incoming Syracuse Freshmen Think
Syracuse students are HAPPY
This is Syracuse University’s edition of Pharrell’s “Happy”! The happiest students and staff took a break from the “Finals Week blues” and joined the Happy Team as we spread happiness all over campus. Thank you to each and every one of you who happily danced to lift our peers’ spirits. You are loved. MORE »
Syracuse student claims to be Hannah Montana
Sophomore PR major, Hannah Melton, claims to be the real Hannah Montana after getting her wisdom teeth removed. Has the real Hannah Montana been walking among us at Syracuse? MORE »
Boeheim Shits on Podium After Georgetown Loss
Syracuse head coach Jim Boeheim walked to the postgame press conference podium after his reeling team’s 61-39 embarrassment at No. 5 Georgetown Saturday, undid his pants, dropped a steaming, rancid turd just below the microphone, and walked out. “You want an opening statement?” An irate Boeheim asked as he undid his belt. “Here’s my... MORE »
Pope resigns, realizes there is no God after hearing Pauly D will be playing at Syracuse University
Catholics around the world were shocked to hear that Pope Benedict XVI had resigned from his position as “THE CLOSEST PERSON TO GOD ON EARTH.” He tells sources at Campus Basement that the departure comes from fatigue, old age, and University Union’s Winter Carnival line-up. “They were hyping the students up, saying, ‘oh get ready,... MORE »
30 Rock and other shows insult Syracuse, must be destroyed
Tina Fey’s long running show, 30 Rock, will be airing its hour-long series finale tonight at 8/7 central on NBC. Let it be known that this was not Fey’s decision to end the show- it was the higher power of Syracuse University. Fey’s character, Liz Lemon, is the head writer of a variety show starring... MORE »
Phone Screenshots Officially Confirm Syracuse is Coldest Place Ever
Syracuse University students posted hundreds of smart phone screenshots of the city’s weather to social media in the past three days, officially confirming the city is “literally, like, THE coldest place ever.” The sheer number of screenshots showing temperatures that ranged from -65 degrees Celsius to 10 degrees Fahrenheit alarmed scientists, who quickly confirmed the... MORE »
The Differences Between Fall and Spring Semester
Welcome back to Syracuse everybody! You may be wondering what’s so different about this semester than the last, so we here at Campus Basement are proud to present our comparative guide to help you transition into the new semester. MORE »
Hockey’s Back! …and there was much rejoicing
I woke up today thinking it would be any regular Sunday: completely naked, my head laying over the side of my bed, desperately trying to avoid the sunrise shining through the pathetic excuse for curtains and onto my face. But then I saw the news, that glorious and long-awaited news, that the NHL lockout has... MORE »
Disgruntled Student Passes Out and Sleeps Through Block Party…AGAIN
April 27th was no ordinary Friday for Katrina Locke; nor was it for any other Syracuse student. It was a very special Friday: the mythical day known as Mayfest. Katrina, a lover of electronic music and raspberry alcohol, had pumped herself up for weeks upon weeks over Mayfest’s arrival. “This year will be different. This... MORE »
Student OK With Sorority Girl Loving Big; Doesn’t Want It Flaunted ‘In His Face’
“I’m a reasonable man. I have no issues with a sorority girl loving her big. I get that it’s the 21st century. I’ll tell you what I do have a problem with: her shoving it in my face, and down my throat.” Said the student who wished to remain anonymous. “Okay, you love your big.... MORE »
Newhouse Kids Incessantly Asking Cusack and Roberts to Be in Their Movie
With the news of Emma Roberts and John Cusack filming at Syracuse University buzzing around campus, many students were interested in much more than just spotting the two stars. Allegedly, Newhouse student after Newhouse student have approached the two “Adult World” stars hoping to cast one of them as the star for their TRF class... MORE »
University Reads Memes; Fixes School
In a strange and surprising turn of events Sunday afternoon, Syracuse University announced that they would be ‘fixing’ the university in response to the popular SU memes page. “We had no idea that tuition was so high. We were positively stunned when we were informed by Scumbag Steve.” said a representative from Syracuse University. “I... MORE »
What Your SU Coffee Shop Preference Says About You
Dunkin’ Donuts by Marshall St.–So you’re a purist, eh? The one in Schine just doesn’t meet all your caffeine-related needs? I bet you complain that the Taco Bell in Kimmel “just isn’t the same.” Well, it isn’t, but it’s not like you’ve ever been there sober anyway. Starbucks on Marshall St.–Arguably the best cup of... MORE »
Ten Ways to Make Your Professor Hate You
1. On every essay exam, write 4 different ‘options’ as answers. On multiple choice exams, write long descriptions of your answer in the margins. Tell her you just don’t ‘get’ testing. 2. No matter what the subject matter is, whenever a question is asked in class, always relate your answer to Harry Potter. Hitler—>Voldemort. Jesus—>Harry.... MORE »
Ernie Davis Residents to Kill Students in “Hunger Games” Competition
In response to a recent attempt by other Syracuse dorms to overthrow the residents of the posh residence hall, Ernie Davis, a competition has been organized that will ultimately kill two residents of each of the other SU residence halls. “We really wanted to make this competition our own. There are too many humanitarian groups... MORE »
10 Ridiculously Impractical Ways to Stay Warm This Winter (Cuse)
This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite! Peel Otto open. Crawl inside. Burrow yourself. Were talking two birds here: food and warmth. Let the force be with you. Pay a group of freshmen... MORE »
What Your New Years Plans Say About You (Cuse)
This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite! College students, behold, one of the best creations our society has bestowed upon us: New Years Eve. Alas, the day in which we ring in the new... MORE »
The History of the Christmas Sweater (Cuse)
This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite!Top Reasons Why The Christmas Sweater Was Invented So that there was one weekend of Winter that girls could go out and party without freezing their asses... MORE »
Just Your Average AST 101 Slide
I promise I only giggled a little. MORE »
Westboro Baptist Church to Protest Fab Melo’s Hair at the Carrier Dome
In a strange turn of events on Friday afternoon, the Westboro Baptist Church announced that they were not going to be protesting over the Bernie Fine scandal at Syracuse, but would instead be picketing Fab Melo’s new haircut. Westboro Baptist Church is known for its offensive and ultra-conservative politics. “His haircut is strange, it makes... MORE »
Which Syracuse University College Should You Go To?
In flow chart form. MORE »
UC System To Begin Routine Beatings of Students
After the events that occurred on UC Davis’s and Berkeley’s campuses this past month, many people expected that the universities would strive to protect their reputations through support for peaceful protests and apologies for their resident police departments’ actions. Not the case. In fact, the UC system announced today that it would begin routine beatings... MORE »
Student Association Cuts Funding for Syracuse University
In an unexpected turn of events this week–and likely an unapologetic publicity stunt to remind students that Student Association exists so that they’ll vote for president–Student Association has cut the budget for Syracuse University itself. Robert Rane, the University official who was assigned to attend the meeting to acquire funding for the University,... MORE »