The new Syracuse University chapter of sorority Alpha Gamma Delta checked herself into a mental institution late Tuesday night after suffering what her publicist characterized as a “severe identity crisis.” The apparent nervous breakdown came in anticipation of the approaching open house the sorority is holding this weekend in the local Sheraton Hotel. 

“I’ve been having a hard time dealing with the anxiety that comes with wondering what my rep will be on the SU campus,” Ms. Delta said in a statement released on Wednesday morning. “The questions keep coming. The possibilities are endless. Will I be blonde or brunette? Jewish or gentile? What kind of boys will I like? What will be the drug of choice for my sisters? Pot? Acid? LSD? Cocaine? I know that one’s taken…but you see what I mean?” 
The statement, which at times was almost incoherent, went on to list more worries that showed a sorority in a fragile state of total paranoia. “On bid day, will the girls who receive bids from me sob in happiness or throw themselves off a tall building in total despair? Am I going to be known as a veritable modeling agency or a dairy farm? Will they be stoic and classy, or will they be nothing more than the campus bicycles? I can’t take the uncertainty right now.” 
Hospital officials had no comment on the case, but in her statement the sorority announced that she would probably be under observation for several more days before being released.