Syracuse University students posted hundreds of smart phone screenshots of the city’s weather to social media in the past three days, officially confirming the city is “literally, like, THE coldest place ever.”
The sheer number of screenshots showing temperatures that ranged from -65 degrees Celsius to 10 degrees Fahrenheit alarmed scientists, who quickly confirmed the students’ assessment that “winters in Syracuse, like, really suck.”
“Yes, these screen shots brought a lot to our attention,” said Hal Broker, a meteorologist for the National Weather Service. “We would have had absolutely no clue that Syracuse’s temperatures were dropping to record lows, and fluctuating with unheard of inconsistency.”
Broker said the screen shots show an alarming rate of change in the Syracuse climate.
Students confirmed that their limbs were frozen. Some young men accompanied their tweets with news that they were “freezing their dicks off.” Many students said that they had “like, no desire to go to class at all UGHHHH.”
Broker said he had ” no idea why anybody would ever go to school in Syracuse.”
“I don’t know why I ever came to this god forsaken place,” junior Timmy Jones, the only student out of 14,169 undergraduates who didn’t mention the weather on social media, said. “Isn’t college supposed to be the time of your life? I mean, getting shipped to Siberia in Soviet Russia was punishment. How is this any different?”
Broker said every student that attends Syracuse is likely to lose at least one limb this winter. He confirmed the whine-bragging of many female Syracuse students, saying that Syracuse is, in fact, the coldest school in the country.
“Syracuse is definitely, like, WAAAYYYY colder than your school,” Broker said, as he tweeted a screen shot of a menacing winter storm system expected to bring -20 degrees Fahrenheit temperatures with winds over 140 mph, accompanying a flood of demon spawn that, in combination, herald the beginning of Barack Obama’s second age of godless, liberal darkness.
