Marshall Street, a Syracuse student’s off-campus paradise, is littered with obstacles for the uninformed.
As a senior and veteran Marshall Street navigator, I feel obligated to guide you through this tricky terrain. Here are the most common Marshall Street hurdles, and how to safely steer around them.
Gertis, Beggar in the Wheelchair:
Slogan: A rustling can of coins and “Can you spare some change?”
Location: Outside Starbucks
Steps to avoid:
1) Grow a vagina, if you don’t have one already.
2) Walk briskly, with purpose.
3) Shoot a quick smile at him.
4) Receive his signature, “Hey pretty girl!”
5) Get out of giving him change.
Tom from Shirt World:
Slogan: “Sweatshirts and jackets, buy one get one free”
Location: On the curb outside Shirt World
Steps to avoid:
1) Put your cell phone to your ear.
2) Call anyone on your phone list, or pretend you’re having a conversation.
3) Gab away like a chipmunk.
4) Keep your eyes peeled to the ground.
The Aspiring Rapper Who “Gives Out” CDs:
Slogan: “Here, check out my new album, and give it a listen. By the way, that’ll be $10.”
Steps to avoid:
1) Whatever you do, don’t let him put his CD in your hand.
2) Just keep walking and say no thank you. SAY NO THANK YOU!
3) You just took one of his CDs. Oh dear, time for some damage control.
4) Now he’s asking for money. Try to give it back to him.
5) He refused to take it. Now he’s demanding for money.
6) Beg and plead. He’s not budging.
7) Put the CD on the ground and run like HELL!*
*not actually recommended
That Person Who Touched You Inappropriately at a Frat Party:
Slogan: None, only an awkward expression of possible recognition
Steps to avoid:
1) Turn around and start walking in the opposite direction. There is no freaking way you’re gonna make eye contact with that creep.
Moral of the story: Walk on the other side of the street if
you’re actually trying to get somewhere on time!
