For those of you who have graduated from Syracuse, you’ve
probably gotten the e-mails that give you some advice for your future. But
since no one ever reads these e-mails, I’ve decided to take it upon myself to
let you know what these e-mails actually say. Here goes.
To: Class of 2010
From: Your Old Pal,
SU!
Subject: Definitely
Not Money
Hey! How’s it going? Long time no see. Hope things are going
well for you since you graduated. Although, most likely, they’re not, since the
economy couldn’t get it up with a pound Viagra and Levitra and there’s not a chance in hell you’ve got
a job yet. So you’re probably broke. Hopefully, you’re not too broke for your
old pal, Syracuse, because guess what: WE WANT MORE OF YOUR MONEY!
We know, we know. You’re poor, you gave us almost $200,000
in tuition, and the countless parking tickets didn’t make things any better.
But, wouldn’t you just feel awesome if you gave us money without getting
something in return? We think you would. And we’re willing to let you feel good
by accepting your money. Doesn’t matter how much, but the more the better. In
fact, we’d even be willing to allow you to pay tuition. And you don’t even
have to enroll in classes! You can pay us
tuition, about $50,000 a year, and get nothing in return! It’s a pretty sweet
deal.
So think about it. Because, after all, we already have your
credit card info. So if you don’t donate money willingly, we’ll probably just
take some from you. Or rescind your diploma.
Enjoy the useless job search!
Sincerely,
Your Old Pal, SU
P.S. By reading this e-mail, you agree to let us take
another $50,000 from you.
