Junior Gary Fisher was carried off the quad today by ambulance after showing symptoms of heat stroke, dehydration and first degree sunburn. The ETS major was in the sun all day after all of his classes were moved outside.
His roommate, Arthur Shaw, said that at Fisher’s first class of the day, the professor polled students if they wanted to hold class outside. “He texted me, ‘Bro! Quad status for my 10:30! Fuck yeah!’” says Fisher. “I was so jelly. But he deserves it because he has a full day of classes on Wednesday.”
However, Fisher never expected he would be in the blistering heat the rest of the day. Without any big lecture classes, Fisher’s professors in Interpretation of Film, Gender and Literary Texts, and Survey of British Literature all wholeheartedly suggested going outside.
Fisher’s beverage of choice today was Dunkin Donuts iced coffee; a fatal error, because caffeine makes you more dehydrated.
Fisher succumbed to the heat during the middle of his 3:45 Survey of British Lit, taught by a professor who wishes to remain anonymous. She reported, “Fisher appeared to have fallen asleep at one point during my tirade about the Brontes. After I asked a fellow student to poke him, we realized he had slipped out of consciousness.”
Fisher will be treated for injuries at Crouse Hospital. His roommate is looking forward to calling him by his new nickname, Lobster Face.
On a side note, everyone in the student population is counting down the days when Syracuse turns fucking air conditioning on, so TRF majors who think they’re comedians can stop making stupid “whore in church” jokes in class.