Ok, so you’re in your dorm. You’ve met your roommate, and you’ve decided one of three things: 1) this is going to be my best friend for life, 2) I could see hanging out with him/her a few times, or 3) I am going to suffocate this person with my pillow as soon as my RA is down the hall.

Regardless of which option you choose above, you’re still going to need to make friends on your floor, unless you came to college with your best friend, roomed with him, and then created a website (hypothetically called CuseMyCampus).

So how do you do it? Do you just walk door-to-door, knocking and inquiring whether the individual who answers also seeks a new friend? Well sure, you can do that if you want to be known as the Friend Solicitor of Sadler Four. No, it’s best NOT to pursue that route. Instead, try the following options:

A)    The Pop-In: Walk down the halls and see whose doors are open. If you’re a guy, there is no easier way to make a new friend than by bonding with other guys on your floor who leave their doors open while they’re playing Halo or FIFA or some other game. Video games are the best male aphrodisiac. There have been studies. Walk by, then walk back and pretend it was totally random, maybe quip, “Oh, no way, you guys like Madden, too?” And bam. You are in like sin.

B)    The Elevator Ride: This one is a bit sketchy, but I promise you it works. Ride the elevator up and down until you see people sitting in the lounge. Get off and pretend to believe you’re on your own floor, maybe walk down the hall then walk back. When you get back to the lounge, ask what floor you’re on. If they don’t think you’re a complete retard for getting off on the wrong floor, you have an in to talk to some new people. And if they do, just get back on the elevator and head to a different floor. (Note: do NOT try this one in a dorm with fewer than 6 floors, as they will instantly label you, “That moron who got off on the wrong floor.”)

C)    Alcohol: If possible, be the guy/girl who has alcohol on the first night. Then, sit in the lounge, maybe play a computer game, but always be listening to people as they walk by. It is 100% certain that, at some point, some people from your floor will walk by, talking to each other about how to get alcohol/where to go drink/what there is to do in this God-forsaken town. That’s your in. “Hey, do you guys know of anything?” you ask. “Because I have a bottle of Barton’s that I really wanted to kill for a pregame, but I don’t know anything to do afterwards.” Congratulations, you now have two new best friends. Warning: do not ever have alcohol again after this, as you will then become The Supplier, who is only useful if he has alcohol; if not, The Supplier is not invited anywhere.

D)    The Facebook Stalk: Do NOT do this one. Do not friend every single person on your floor unless you have already met them. It’s creepy. After you’ve met, this is a perfect way to get to know your floormates, deduce who is most like you/who you will be filing a restraining order against, and begin your lifelong journey on the SS Friend Ship. Friend them before you’ve met, and you, my friend, are the one who will have that restraining order filed against you.