Congratulations on coming from INSERT INSTITUTION NAME HERE! You’re gonna meh it here in Mahwah, New Jersey.
If you love quiet, upper-middle class neighborhoods and sad, low-key on-campus parties, then you’ve made the right decision! Better yet, the fraternities and sororities have their housing in a completely different state. You’ve wisely chosen to be nestled in the cleavage of the Ramapo Valley mountains, far away from any real college towns.
As a veteran of transferring schools, let me pass on some lies wisdom:
- As you read this, you’re probably wandering around the Academic Complex looking for the B-Wing or the Q-Wing. Good luck finding them. There’s not a lot of signage inside and plenty of traps. Remember to zigzag to outrun the honey badgers. If you do find yourself in the L Wing jai alai court, can you look for my hat? I left it there last week. It has blue and brown stripes. Thanks.
- If you’re a business major and a commuter then you’re in luck! Lots of exercise awaits you. The walk from the commuter lot is 486 seconds if you time it and have OCD and and act like you have to catch a train.
- If nature calls and you’re in the mood to treat yourself, go for the Berrie Center bathrooms. Little to no stench, well-lit, and the hand dryers have a 99.9% uptime according to fake, on-the-spot statistics. The ASB bathrooms are a close second.
- Sometimes, wildlife will wander onto campus. Don’t worry, the staff will warn you about bears. We’re well below the national average for bear-related incidents at eight per week. Legend has it that capturing one of these bears earns you free on-campus food for life! A second capture gets you priority parking. Bring your good running shoes and a large net.
Seriously though, welcome Roadrunner. Try not to shout Four Loko on your first day of class. Believe me, people won’t like that.
