Your sorority is having its annual philanthropy event, and your sisters put you in charge! Wow, what a real opportunity to bring about meaningful change for those afflicted with a terrible disease.

Just kidding — it’s tank time betches! Here are 7 easy steps to make sure your sorority’s event tank goes off without a hitch:

  1. Pick a deserving cause. Or just pick something that isn’t all icky, you know? A disease people want to help combat, but something that’s not too sad for the tank medium: Try hiccups, tendinitis, or the common cold. If all else fails, pick a disease that’s already on its way out the door (e.g., leprosy). Together we can beat this thing. Really.
  2. Sex sells. Staying sexy while philanthropicizing is no easy task. But forget about propriety — insert as many overtly sexual logos, references, and phrases into your rugby tournament for destitute arthritic babies. It’s all for the kids, haters.
  3. Find a pun. It’s not a good event — or tank for that matter — without a jazzy pun. Feel free to use your sorority’s letters (PhI Delt-ya Poker Tournament Against Mesothelioma) or the affliction itself (Nu Sigma Gamma Takes on Athlete’s Foot-ball). Eyes should roll.
  4. Use bright colors. Diseases are sad, but not if you use hot pink. A sparkle a day keeps the doctor away. Keep the base tank color unisex though — white, black, red or blue. You’re going to want to sell them to unsuspecting pasty-armed freshmen wandering the DUC.
  5. Pick the right climate. Make sure your event falls during tank season, or else you’ll have to opt for long-sleeved tanks instead. What do you call them? Oh yeah, shirts.
  6. Advertise. It’s time to change your profile picture to your tank’s JPEG counterpart. And don’t forget to include a dumb song lyric as the caption: LiGhTs wiLL gUidE U hOmE & iGniTe ur bOnEs & I wiLL tRy 2 fix U. Terrific.
  7. Wear ’em proud. Until the date party tanks come in zOMG!!!!