1. Cross country runner turns into pile of sticks
  2. Tiny dancer actually kind of fat
  3. Flat branch restaurant not actually frat branch, disappointed squirrel discovers
  4. Spanish turns out to be kind of a dick, no longer a romance language
  5. Local Satirist Runs Out of Ideas
  6. Smug Pile of Rags Mistaken For Journalism Student
  7. Mac pulls partnership with J-school says school is “Too pretentious”