On Saturday, March 3rd, Lindsay Lohan debuted her new inflatable face on Saturday Night Live, scaring children, parole officers, and Aaron Samuelsez across this great nation. In equally exciting news, March 3rd brought with it the announcement that President Barack Obama will be speaking at Barnard College, the most prestigious of all female colleges barring Rupaul’s Drag U. While this breaking story was met with joy, rainbows, and the Hewitt’s kosher cookies among the Barnard community, students on the other side of Broadway didn’t take kindly to the fact that he did not choose to speak at his alma mater, Columbia.

“He might as well have stepped on a puppy. Or saved too many seats in 209. Or punted a baby,” said one Columbia College student.

“0101010101010101010100WORLDOFWARCRAFT00101010101100101,” remarked a SEAS freshman.

In retaliation, a group of Columbia men have started a new student club on campus, IWONTHAVESEXWITHBARNARDHOTBOXESDOTCOM.com. The group’s mission statement is to “Withhold sex from the Barnard community, Lysistrata–style, until Barnard returns Obama to his rightful campus.” Eyewitnesses say that after signing their charter with ink-dipped-dicks, the men proceeded to congratulate each other on finishing their Poli-Sci theses before retreating to Butler’s basement for a smoke and circle jerk.

When word of the club’s creation reached Barnard’s campus, a flash-mob/Spicy-Special dance party broke out in the quad, complete with a DJ and a congratulatory visit from one of Barnard’s dearest friends, Oprah.


When asked about the group’s decision, a Barnard senior replied, “Using sex as a tool to get to the President? What is this? 1998?”

Barnard Commencement will take place mid-May.


****Some students refused the dildos as they didn’t want to be seen as sexual objects. Oprah then offered these students replacement gifts: subscriptions to O magazine. The girls decided to just take the dildos.