Somewhere in between the wigs, hats, and jockstraps in the back of her closet, Lady Gaga once coined the term ‘paper gangster’. A paper gangster is defined by Urban Dictionary as a bulls*** fake wanna-be who tries to be ghetto, thinks he/she is from the streets, and is a punk-ass mother****** who should be listening to Rush and wearing Dockers while earning a living cleaning daddy’s Lexus and painting his white-picket fence. Some call them wiggers, but at Cornell University it’s hard to call anyone that considering the abundance of money on campus. According to a recent poll by XXXL magazine, Cornell University has the highest rate of ‘paper gangsters’ at an institution of higher learning. Why XXXL magazine decided to run a study on this, I have no idea, but then again, why is Keystone Ice the same price as Keystone Light when it is clearly stronger?


The criteria for the study was very strict. It included how many snapbacks one owns, the amount of Mac Miller songs on their iPods/iPhones/iPads, and the amount of rap song lyrics they have posted as Facebook statuses in the past year. The results were absolutely shocking, with 72% of the Cornell male population fitting the criteria for a ‘paper gangster’.



When asked about the results, sophomore Neil Schapps denied being a paper gangster, even though he fit every single one of the categories listed in the criteria. “Aye brotha, go eat cream cheese and a bagel. Have a glass of milk and an Eggo. I’m rockin PJs and no shirt. I smoke weed and eat Chobani yogurt.” After hearing him say that, I was convinced that the study was absolutely incorrect and that he was NOT a paper gangster.

President Skorton was not excited to hear about this study, saying, “This is absolute non-sense. It ain’t my fault that we goofy, maybe kind funny. Love acting stupid, but it ain’t my fault they love me.” Wise words from an anti-paper gangster activist.

The truth is these paper gangsters are the 72%. The rest are the 28% and on the wrong side of the study. Keep the paper flowing, the rhymes coming, and the iPods blaring, for if you are a paper gangster, you are no longer alone. Unless you are really into the whole thing, because then you probably have no friends.