In a slightly surprising turn of events, numerous sororities
on campus were reported to have served hard alcohol and drugs at their rush
week recruitment events. While
fraternities were busy with their Dry Rush Week, or “3 Day Rush-apallooza” as
the IFC now requires it be called,
sororities and their PNM’s raged on into the wee hours of the nights, under
absolutely no supervision.
“Woooo! Russian Week was soooo, like, amazinger this year,”
reported one freshman girl still recovering a hangover. “Hey, you’re kinda
cute, wanna go have”¦” she continued, before puking on the interviewer’s shoes.
“Tri-Delt had this ridiculous party on Saturday night, but
the cops had to shut it down at 4am,” said another freshman girl nursing a
broken arm from a table-dancing accident, “Not the strippers in the cop
uniforms. They were sooo sexy. I loooooove Rosh Hashanna Week.”
While freshman girls droned on and on about the joys of
“Rush Me to the Hospital Week/Rush Hour 2/Free Cocaine and Dildos Week,”
freshmen boys weren’t as enthusiastic about their Rushapalooza experience.
“It kinda sucked,” said Robert Greenberg “14, “We had to get
all dressed up, and meet with brothers from, like, 40 fraternities. All the
rush events ended really late and then started real early, so we couldn’t even
go out afterwards. Plus, my feet killed from all the walking I had to do.”
Fraternity brothers too complained about the numerous and
tedious obstacles set up by the IFC which not only curbed alcohol consumption,
but also, any semblance of fun.
“We almost had our Buffalo Wild Wings event shut down,
because we ordered some Spicy Garlic wings,” reported the rush chair of Delta
Chi, “luckily, right before the event started, one of the brothers reminded me
of Article 98 section 3, which states “No Buffalo Wild Wings above level Chipotle
BBQ hotness may be served to freshmen.’ It was a close call.”
Not all fraternities got so lucky, however. At yesterday’s
IFC meeting, Travis Apgar finalized the decision to shut down TKE, because they
“served Mountain Dew at one of their night events, a blatant violation of
Article 35, Section 6, Clause 4a:
No Caffeinated beverages past 6pm.”
Upon receiving a report that 3 dead hookers and a donkey
were found in the basement of Phi Sigma Sigma sorority, Apgar stated that they would
receive “a stern talking to.”
