Syracuse Sophomore, Jerry Long put more effort into his last history paper than he did any of his other paper’s combined. Jerry made a promise to himself that he would have his paper finished on time, despite his friends attempts to get him to “hit the octobong” with them.
“I knew that this was the big leagues.” I said to myself “Hey, this is going to be a big chunk of your grade, so no screwing around this Friday. Get this done and then you don’t have to panic on Sunday night. You’re not a freshman anymore; it’s time to buckle down.” remembers Jerry.
Fate had other plans for Jerry. As Jerry entered his Watson Hall suite, his ex-girlfriend was sitting by the door.
“So at that point, I just figured that the best way to get to my paper was to be really nice to her and apologize and basically make her feel really good so she would leave. And I did and I was all on track to get the paper done and she wanted to have make-up sex. So that killed like 6 minutes.”
All through the particularly rushed and still slightly passive aggressive sexual encounter, Jerry kept his eye on the prize. His paper, that is. During a particularly heated moment, Jerry screamed “Oh yes, Dorothy Dix! Reform the mental institutions!” and sealed his “ex-boyfriendhood.”
“It was fucked up.” remembers Jerry’s ex-girlfriend.
Later that weekend, Jerry sat down and tried to assemble an acceptable paper. After about 2 hours of blank staring, Jerry’s roommates entered and convinced him to take a few shots to give him the confidence to pick a topic and start writing. After about 9 shots, Jerry decided to write his paper on the episode of Growing Pains where Mike writes the answers to his upcoming test on the sole of his shoe. He worked for what seemed like hours until he had crafted what seemed like a perfect paper.
Jerry woke up at 9 am and decided to re-read his masterpiece of a paper that he had constructed the night before. It was then that he realized that the paper was not only completely off topic, but written in crayon on his bedroom wall.
Jerry spent the whole of his Sunday scrubbing crayon off his bedroom wall and eventually paid his History major roommate a pack of cigarettes and a case of Genny Light to write the paper for him.
“I can honestly say that I have never spent more time trying to write a paper.” Concludes Jerry.