It is with great pleasure that I present to you the newest head writer of Ramapo Basement (starting in the Fall of 2012; it’s still my show for now, bitches). After countless hours of analyzing nearly 2 application submissions, I finally narrowed it down to Jillian Gutowitz. I know what you’re all wondering. Will I like Jillian Gutowitz? Will she sustain the current level of Ramapo Basement humor? Where’s that ridiculous name come from? The answers to these questions are yes, yes, and I’d like to say Germany? But let’s dive a little deeper into the mysterious waters that are Jillian Gutowitz.

Just look at dis bitty. She’s the one on the left all giddy and shit. Probably hopped up on Promethazine or whatever the kids are into these days. But notice the class in her glass grasp technique. Jill says “Fuck you, world!” Pinky out is for squares. Index finger all day, everyday. But judging someone by her appearance is rather shallow and pedantic if you ask me. WHO is Jillian Gutowitz?

A fucking baller, that’s who.

. Jillian Gutowitz can stomach Birch AND PayCaf on the reg

. Jillian Gutowitz doesn’t steal food, no matter who’s working the swipe table

. Jillian Gutowitz stops at on-campus stop signs

. Jillian Gutowitz finds non-New Rock related things to do on Tuesdays

. Jillian Gutowitz rides a scooter to and from class (This one’s true. If you ever pass that crazy chick on a Razor scooter, the person you’re laughing at with your friends is the new head writer of Ramapo Basement)

. Jillian Gutowitz saw the bear they emailed us about

So there you have it, folks. Your new Ramapo Basement head writer has been unveiled. While I wish that I could stick around and continue bashing anything and everything on campus, I am being forced out. Politics are a bitch. I don’t know what I’ll do in the outside world- a world without Ramapo Basement. I imagine it will be similar to when Brooks was let out of prison in Shawshank Redemption. But that’s neither here nor there. Today is a day of celebration for Jillian Gutowitz- a day where her hard work and a lack of competition for the position has finally paid off to make her new head writer. While she may only receive 70% of the head writer’s salary, she will deliver 100% of the humor.

Shameless plug: Read Jillian’s website for a preview of her hilarity.