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Jake’s Movie Monday: Maneater Janitorial Staff Apology
Article by
JakeWallach
April 16, 2012 at 8:22 pm
MU plans to close Geography Department, citing irrelevance
MU will no longer offer a Geography major to incoming freshman and will shut down the department when all current students have graduated, according to a statement released earlier today. “I’ll be honest, it wasn’t that tough of a decision,” MU Chancellor Brady Deaton said. “We’ve pretty much already found everything. And people can find... MORE »
21 year old sorority girl surprised to learn alcoholic drinks cost money
A tragic scene occurred at Campus Bar & Grill and then Harpo’s on Wednesday night. Jamie Ellen, a member of Sigma Sigma Alpha, was celebrating her 21st birthday, which took a turn for the worst when both bars tried to charge her for the alcohol that she had been drinking. “It happens a lot more... MORE »
Artists finally speak about Carter’s presidential aspirations
The music community’s reaction Sean “Jay-Z” Carter’s presidential candidacy has been mostly non-existent, but it seems that now artists are starting to realize the legitimacy of the campaign, many of them finally broadcasting their feelings about the rap star and business moguls campaign. Among them was fellow hip-hop great Nasir “Nas” Jones”. Carter and Jones... MORE »
Jay-Z speaks out about social issues, other things too
Since announcing his candidacy for President, Sean “Jay-Z” Carter’s campaign has remained dormant. Today, Mr. Carter has come out with his main reasons for choosing to run for President and where he stands on many important issues that polarize the United States. “What you eat don’t make me shit,” Mr. Carter said. It is believed... MORE »
Sean “Jay-Z” Carter announces Presidential Candidacy
The 2012 Presidential race has been shaping up to be an ugly, close race since its outset, but one man has turned the campaigns on their heads: Shawn “Jay-Z” Carter. Carter announced his plans to run for President on Monday, his presumed running partner being Kanye West. Carter has been a hip-hop mogul for some... MORE »
An open letter to Schurz Hall
Schurz Hall, you’ve meant so much to me. The ways that you’ve changed me are innumerable, the ways you’ve protected me are admirable, and the ways that you’ve touched me are unforgettable. I’ve been in your throws for almost an entire school year now, and our relationship is so blissfully intimate. Schurz Hall, I don’t... MORE »
To whomever left a Taco Bell cup outside of my room
You are a sadistic pervert. My emotions are not a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll to be touched and toyed with at your will. My life is not a game, but if it was, the rules would be changing, because I’m the fucking game master, kid. And if I read the Hunger Games, here is probably where... MORE »
The Biggest Bullshitter: The University of Joaquin Phoenix
The University of Joaquin Phoenix (TUJP) is an incredible beast. While it can’t fly or spit fire or do magic or any of the cool stuff that these other mythical beasts can do, it does have a plethora of abilities that Batman can’t pull out of his utility belt. TUJP is a simply incredible creature,... MORE »
The Maneater hires editorial staff comprised entirely of kittens
Though it’s been weeks since The Maneater published its now infamous 2012 April Fool’s edition, it appears the bottom is still falling out on the publication that once had the luxury of basking in its insignificance. With MU’s LGBTQ community still reeling from the hurtful header to the Women’s Center’s outrage, the paper... MORE »
Sorority Girl Stunned After Not Being Nominated for Academy Award For Homecoming Skit
A University of Missouri student and member of the Delta Kappa Rho sorority was shocked yesterday when she was not nominated for an Academy Award. Julie Anne Drew starred in “Sonata de Truman,” the 1790s-themed production of Delta Kappa Rho, Alpha Sigma Sigma, and Rho Rho Rho. Drew procrastinated her hospitality management homework... MORE »
The Biggest Bullshitter: Gargoyles
You gasp for air for a couple seconds, and than he puts you right back in. The toilet water smells like a combination of asparagus piss and sparrow semen. Although, you’re not even that mad about it, and you know why? The man that is shoving your frail head into the toilet, Bobby the Gargoyle.... MORE »
Jake’s Movie Monday: Twittervention
It’s a problem MORE »
Jake’s Movie Monday: Mizzou Basement Promo
Promo within a promo within a promo MORE »
Jake’s Movie Monday: Stop Ice Cream Homicide
An epidemic that is plaguing Plaza 900 goers MORE »
Jake’s Movie Monday: GDI Life
A tale of a God Damn Independent. MORE »
Jake’s Movie Monday: On My Birthday
Nobody wants to do anything on their birthday. MORE »
Jake’s Movie Monday: LSD, the Legging Skin Disorder
A Trend Gone Terribly Wrong MORE »