When it comes to dating at Ramapo, it’s easy to say that one would rather succumb to prison sex than settle for a horny, chauvinistic Ramamale. As most of us girls know, (or gay guys), it’s slim pickens on this campus. Sifting through the hoards of normal-looking commuters can be tiring. However, it’s not as tiring as pretending that your Thursday night hookup is worthy of using your lips as a pre-Cars snack. If you’re a lovely lady living the glorious Ramapo lifestyle, you’ve probably been lucky enough to stumble across these common characters. Take a look, and ask yourself, is dating at Ramapo College possible?
1. The Forceful Hand – This rockstar, also known by his alter-egos, Frat Attack and PongPro 3000, is a real gem in the bro-pool. He has no other skills outside of beer pong and impregnation. He’s got a 2.0 (if even) and he definitely can’t pronounce the word ‘chivalry’. If he even knows what the word means, it fell out of his penis his freshman year and he forgot about it. He’s the kind of fratbro you want to purposely talk about your rape whistle in front of. The Forceful Hand won’t rape you, but he will scare you enough to get you thinking he just might. He slips words like “put” and “out” into casual conversation, thinking he’s sly and subtle enough to affect your psyche. Emotionally inept, from central Jersey, and not fully ugly, this guy didn’t get the memo that sleeping around is eventually supposed to end in a relationship.
- 10 Years From Now – He’ll be a desk job intern at a car rental company, venereally proficient, balding, single, and have no clue he’s supposed to get married soon.
2. The Stylish Freshman – Though it may be tempting to call this youngin’ Froshbro McTighty Pants, it’s best to not talk to him at all. This guy’s a skateboarder, or longboarder, depending on his level of hipsterability. He smokes weed, is chill, wears super tight clothes, and has squeezable cheeks (both ends). He’s a little bit young-looking, but that’s not what will turn you off of him. You actually will not believe the type of things he says out loud. You can’t bring him anywhere!
- “Your boobs are small, LOL.”
- “It’s not like we’d ever date anyway.”
- “My best friend thinks you’re annoying.”
- “Your roommate is so hot. Her boobs are bigger than yours LOL.”
3. The “Wow, Ramapo Will Really Let Anyone Go Here” – If he’s reading this, he doesn’t sense the sarcasm. In fact, he can’t read most of it, so he just shuts the computer in a fit of rage. You’ve seen this guy on campus oh too many times. He’s loud, raucous, a South Jersey scumbag, has gelled hair,
future wears a wife-beater, and has the attention span of the floor. He’s ugly, but somehow still whores out his crabs. The moron misuses big words in conversation to try and sound smarter, resulting in him actually sounding dumber. He literally asks you to touch his penis, doesn’t have the mental capacity to sustain a relationship, and has no goals (except contracting Chlamydia from Sammie Sweetheart, pow!)
- His Playlist Includes: “I’m So Hood” – DJ Khaled, “Pop Bottles – Birdman & Lil Wayne, anything Ke$ha, and “Yo Justin Bieber isn’t actually that bad bro”.
4. Mr. Diversity – This one’s latino, black, or whatever else we have here. He’s ripped, wealthy, and a super smooth-talker. He’s pompous, a butterface, and has a little bit of acne. However, he’s a weird kisser – sometimes you just need to keep your heritage out of your tongue. This guy’s got no personality, only hits on “his kind”, and will outright call white girls ugly to their face. Isn’t there some sort of really expensive operation he could get to install a personality? He always seems like a good idea, but eventually your need for him to pay for things won’t outweigh his Ego Largo.
Texts From Him:
- “Mami, I ain’t coming there again. Your booty ain’t worth it.”
- “Don’t sass me, ho.”
- “U mad cause I’m hotter than you.”
Well, I hope this wasn’t super discouraging, but I just want you all to know: dating at Ramapo IS possible: When two idiots collide, a single ignoramus emerges. Remember, relationships take work. And a mental capacity. Stay tuned for the Guys’ Guide to Ramadating, coming next Thursday. Happy trails.