Ever since a
career placement test told me at 14 I should be a bathroom attendant or
pool cleaner (seriously), I changed forever in two ways: I will never
again admit to a Scantron my love of bathrooms and pools, and I will
support anyone doing whatever job they want to do. Always.

This autobiographical morsel explains why, today, I think this
year’s rejected USG platforms deserve a voice. My voice. A voice on the
internet, recognized beacon of constructive opinions.


most potentially popular platform, if it weren’t being held back by the man,
was rejected for technically being sexual harassment. The platform
solely that every class should be required to have at least one hot TA.
How would
anybody not support that?! TAs would be selected through a Miss
America-style pageant, and the previously-silenced misplaced lust of the
collective student body would be

Surprisingly well-supported was a group campaigning for less
left-handed classroom accommodations, saying they’re “super annoying.”
The movement was crushed early by a local leftist lobby.

well-qualified junior ran on a platform based entirely around
making her ex boyfriend miserable. She exhibits the tenacity and
affinity for revenge I deeply, deeply respect and believe would make her
a good USG (or whatever exactly they’re running for). She called mostly
for everyone to steal all his shoes, proliferate his seventh grade
phase” school pictures, and insist he love her again. Inspirational.


pair taken out of the running too soon was Mailbox Heart and Wavy Lines
“Yin Yang” Copyright Symbol, who intended to institute Wingdings as our
school’s official font. Some point to the Webdings division as the reason for the pair’s downfall. Mailbox and Yin Yang want to
assure their loyal
voters “talk bubble bus spider. Left arrow, scissors, peace sign.
square square.”

The only also-ran I can’t support is a creep named Kevin whose clear
agenda to get laid by holding office I found disgusting. Especially
when I found out I wasn’t the only lady invited to his “exclusive”
campaign rally, in his apartment. There were a ton of other girls.
They were all obviously stupid.

I do, however, support the dreams of the other almost-candidates. I
encourage you to, as well. If we can believe in nothing else, airplane
arrow hand hand ampersand black circle.

Lia contributed to this article.