On Monday, Sarah McGregor transferred to a school closer to
her home in Bumblefuck, USA, according to various student accounts. What does
this mean for Marist College?

 

Ninety-nine percent of the school was born and raised in
Long Island, mothafucka!

 

While these numbers have not been verified, they’re
perfectly valid in the eyes of the student body. “Nobody gives a shit about
those fuckers from other places, Maine, India or whatever the fuck,” said Joe
Vertillo, a junior from Long Island City. “If you ain’t from L.I. you ain’t
from America.”

 

One student, who wished to remain anonymous, claimed to be
from a place called “Westchester,” but since it sounds “British or some shit,”
the student body would not accept his pleas and immediately stormed the Office
of Admissions to request that he be removed from the campus.

 

The Marist motto, previously Orare et Laborare has been changed to Long Island fo’ Life,
Bitch! The school mascot has also been
changed from the Red Fox to, simply, an Italian man.

 

There are more changes to come. Get ready, bitches.