“Dude, did you see the Bonnaroo lineup?” asked a tall, skinny white kid to his equally skinny white friend at the Campus Center this past Tuesday. “Dude. Dude!”
We started to notice similar instances happening all around campus. One girl near our table in particular frantically proceeded to share jpegs of the Coachella lineup on each of her Facebook friends’ walls for the next 2 hours. “I just… they need to see!” she told us. “The lineuuuuuup.”
Elsewhere, we overheard two students arguing and stopped to see what was going on. Things got ugly. Fast.
“C’mon!” the first guy yelled, clenching his fists. “It’s all about Governors Ball. Bonnaroo ain’t got Kanye, bitches!”
The other student slowly removed his Ray Bans and set them down on a bench. “How dare you compare Kanye to Paul. Fucking. McCartney!!!” he screeched, and proceeded to judo chop everyone going to Governor’s Ball ever.
Eventually we came across a string of inconsolable students too depressed to move. When we asked what was wrong, one junior told us: “It’s… it’s Coachella, man. God I just, all I ever wanted was to go to Weekend 1, and I had to get tickets for Weekend 2. What am I supposed to do now, huh? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW.”
We were delighted to find some peaceful, less stressed looking students playing guitars and ukuleles on the grass near Norris Theatre. They told us they were going to Sasquatch Music Festival, the “chill fun awesome” alternative to Coachella that takes place in Washington State.
“Aw man we’re so excited, we’re going to see all those great obscure folk bands, you know? None of that mainstream stuff,” one girl told us. She wore multiple flannels and her hair in what we assume was some kind of dreadlocks.
The group started awkwardly strumming their guitars and singing: “Hoooome, let me go home, home is where I belong with you and you belong with me and HO! HEY!…”
From our observations on campus throughout the week, douchebaggery continues to soar at record highs as more and more Trojans plan their summers around music festivals. Facebook walls throughout campus are cluttered with Coachella related statuses and those lost souls still looking for tickets (or to trade for Weekend 1, whatever is so great about it).
Just when we thought we’d made it one hour without the mention of festivals, we couldn’t help but overhear two students whispering in the Trojan Sleeping Family Room:
“Dude, I can’t freaking wait for the Lollapalooza lineup. It’s going to be sick.”
God help us all.
