The
who’s-best of who’s-Greek is widely agreed upon and familiar to sisters, bros,
and many GDIs on campus alike. With new pledge classes the past couple weeks
come sorority and fraternity rankings, roughly ordered ““ in the name of
tradition and indisputable science-facts.
A
pioneering administrative team liked the idea of encouraging competitive
spirit: “we all win when everyone’s always pushing themselves to be a better
person,” a representative of the team beams. “That’s why we wanted to be the
first school to officially adopt the unofficial Greek ranking system for everyone.”
To
implement, the team conducted a study of how the rankings for sororities and
fraternities are formed. They found that the system promotes well rounded
students who are primarily and coincidentally very physically attractive.
Smokin’ pledge classes and the number of hopefuls they were
able to turn away determines whether a sorority is top, middle, or bottom tier (with
academic, philanthropic, and sisterly merits “very seriously thought about,”
the rep includes). Typical causes of a downgrade include that its “just other
houses’ time to shine, again,” or they have a “pledge class full of
fugs.”
Following
sorority rank, fraternities are judged on which of the top houses they can
convince to officially associate with them, as well as, to a lesser degree,
fist-pumping, yelling, and wearing-a-bro-tank skills.
Thrilled
at the simplicity of the system, the team will release ranks for all students
and faculty within the month. If any results are disagreed upon, any
student or faculty member is invited to submit corrections like “no way is she
top tier, she dresses like a nasty hooker” or “she’s totally banged her way
through half the/all of/more than one row. Just sayin’.”
Trojans
who manage to find themselves with top tier status will gain “mostly prestige,”
the rep explains, but “also the opportunity to easily recognize others worthy
of their presence, with whom they can bask in mutual hard-earned specialness.”
Unconfirmed rumors also say cute tier-specific bags and tanks are on their way.
Alternatively,
what perks exist for those in the lower tiers? “”¦Who?” The rep asks blankly.
“I’m
just kidding!” she bursts. “But, jokes aside, they should try harder next time.”
