USC CAMPUS ““ Excitement is running high for the planned $70
million project under construction next to Heritage Hall which will include a
weight room, coaches offices, a locker room for the football program, and ample
space in which to continue providing student athletes with illegal benefits.

“This program was doing all the wrong things. Shady dealings all
over the place”¦ of course we were gonna get caught,” said new athletic director
Pat Haden. “Not in here, though. There’s going to be a huge basement!”

Plans include an academic center in which players can bring in any
of their assigned work and get help with it. Or, if they ask nicely, staffers will
simply do it for them. Meanwhile, they can go over “game film” in the giant
digital media production wing. The term “game film” usually refers to “regular

“We’ve been striving to start fresh by cultivating a cleaner
image,” said Haden. “It’s the perfect cover”¦ well that and 110,000 square feet
of new building.”

Serious talks started when some USC officials took a tour of
Auburn’s facilities, looking at their consequence-repelling insulation and drywall.
Back in California, they immediately decided on tinted windows for the second
story, which, when completed, will be made up of apartments where the families
and friends of new recruits may stay rent-free.

“The punishments the NCAA doled out really made an example of us
in front of the rest of the college sports world,” said USC president Max
Nikias. “They uncovered a big scandal ““ that a powerhouse program has lost its
ability to cheat effectively. We have to change with the times.”

Planners were careful from the mistakes of places such as Ohio
State as well as their own. A big meeting room will be specifically designated
as a marketplace with a simple bartering system. Tattoo artists will be able to
come in and exchange their services for any memorabilia that happens to be
lying around.

“Let me put it this way,” Haden concluded. “I know of a certain former
Heisman trophy winner who, if given a second chance, would be drooling to accept
unethical favors all over again if he could see what we have in store here.”

Rumors have already begun circulating about changes to the LA
Coliseum if all goes well with phase one on campus. Putting a dome over the
stadium or lowering the field in such a way that games could be played in a
controlled underground environment, away from nosey media and spectators, would
all but ensure a strong comeback for the football team after all bans have been