The AP reported this evening that Syracuse University has confirmed cases of “Hipster-ism,” a serious disease threatening to ruin the reputations of the entire millennial generation, in a vast number of students across the campus.
SU Chancellor Nancy Cantor released the following statement Friday evening in response to rumors that the epidemic had reached the home of the Orange.
“Despite valiant efforts to combat hipster-ism, and keep students from
succumbing to endless hours of condescending conversations about dead beatnik poets
and what it means “to be,” the faculty and staff here at Syracuse University
acknowledge that we have failed. But rest assured we will do everything in our
power to help these infected students, even if we have to rip the American
Apparel skinny jeans off of them one pant leg at a time, with our own bare
hands.”
A campus-wide Orange Alert was issued Friday afternoon,
effective indefinitely, urging students to do “mainstream” things. A sample
list of activities is available on the Department of Public Safety’s website
and includes some of the following:
– Watch blockbuster movies that made the top 5 at
the box office over the weekend.
– Avoid all independent music
“If
you’re feeling desperate try listening to Blink 182,” encourages DPS Sgt. Tom
Connellan, “or maybe MGMT. We just confirmed from quarantined hipsters that
their shit isn’t “as cool” anymore.”
– Eat meat. Avoid anything organic, vegetarian, vegan, or things that make uninfected friends say “ew.”
– Try answering questions the first time they’re asked and do so without sarcasm.
– Don’t tint photos you post on Facebook with a sepia tone.
– Try to be positive. About anything. Anything at all. Seriously.
– Instead of hosting dinner parties when you’re only 21 years old, try getting drunk in a friend’s basement. No really, go get trashed. There will be plenty of time to choke down foie gras in your 30s.
“We want students to know there is a difference between reading a variety of news sources and discussing current events for the sake of being knowledgeable about the world, and reading the news for the sake of being an asshole,” said Dean of Student Affairs, Thomas Wolfe.
Junior Sonya Francis bravely offered to share her story with
SU students who might be at risk for contracting the disease. “I used to think
it could never be me,” she said “I own a PC and I buy my dresses from Target.
But then one night I saw my roommate taking quirky pictures of herself using
her new iPad, and something came over me. I was like, wait, I’m quirky too!”
Francis said within
days she was growing a garden and drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. “That shit
is gross, ” she admitted. “I’d rather drink a 30 rack of natty light alone. And
a garden? I live in Syracuse for Christ’s sake. I’m glad I got the help when I
did.”
University officials warn students to take this seriously.
“It’s like the avian flu, or swine flu ““ only real. Hipster-ism
could destroy you. It could destroy this campus. Fight it.”
Students are encouraged to visit Health Services if they
begin to exhibit symptoms of Hipster-ism. Such signs include a relentless desire
to wear black, horn-rimmed glasses, consume drinks that others find extremely
difficult to pronounce, and smoke Parliament cigarettes.
Similar to the flu shot, Health Services is offering free
slaps-to-the-face for those students demonstrating hipster-like qualities. “A
slap to the face might bring them back to reality” a spokesperson said, “it
might encourage them to stop being so full of themselves.”
