So you’re crazy. It’s OK! Unfortunately, you’re not that irresistible
crazy/hot combo or you’d already be rolling in codependent relationships,
crushing any soul naïve enough to open itself to you, and getting your tongue
ring all up in whoever’s mouth you please. These suggestions, if followed, can
save you some time before you too can be rolling, crushing, and tongue-ringing
(dream big!).
Facebook stalking ““ honestly, this is more of an everybody
thing than something unique to your craziness! Feel free to stalk to prepare
yourself for his general likes and dislikes as well as gather information on
how to emulate the girl he was in love with in high school, but invent
coincidences to “discover” information a little at a time, organically.
Sample conversation:
You: Hey, looks
like we’re headed to the same class!
Him: Looks like
it.
You: I love this
class!
Him: Um, cool,
how was your we-
You: THE WAY YOU
SAID THAT MAKES IT SOUND LIKE YOU LIKE THE SMITHS AND YOUR MOM’S NAME IS
DARLENE.
Him: (Blinks)
Him: (Mental note
about privacy settings)
Perfect! We should also talk about your profile, while we’re
at it ““ a lady never reveals how doctored her profile pictures are, but only blind
lesbians and yetis don’t edit them. Evidence of your Timberlake/Cullen/Bieber/etc.
phases should also probably be erased, because one is fictional and two are technically
statutory offenses.
Monitor and moderate your endless anxiety-babbling. Clothes
you bought the other day, the biatch you have a feud with, the crash diets you’re
trying, your emotional sadist tendencies, your medical conditions, and your
dumb parents ““ he wants to know, silly! Just wait until he asks.
If he doesn’t agree immediately to make a commitment to love
you and your crazy, activate plan B and sink your claws in after a hookup. Getting
him to hang out until he realizes in your post-coitus chats how perfect you two
are for each other is perfectly fine, and so is borrowing his shirts/sweatshirts/boxers
to wear home because they’re comfy and create a reason he needs to see you
again. Bonus: “forget” to give them back. Just make sure none of this looks
premeditated!
Lastly, read Cosmo and follow exactly everything it tells
you to do.
Good luck keeping your crazy under control!
