Area man Bill Miller, head of Fellow Assholes Staying Connected to Instill Social Tyranny (FASCIST), held a press conference today to make their disappointment in todays class of douchebags publicly known. Of course by press conference I mean a single flyer posted on the doors outside the gym that I saw someone taking down in annoyance as I walked by. Miller, or Biller as his FASCIST friends call him because he always makes you pay, decided to meet with me as long as we didn’t, “go to any Goddamn Starbucks or girly shit like that.”

“Today’s douchebags,” sighed Mr. Biller as he took his Oakleys off to signify that shit just got real, “don’t do it for the right reasons. These kids just wanna get girls by acting like jackasses and drinking too much and pretending they know how to fight. My generation did it because we genuinely love being mean to people and drinking too much. We didn’t care about the girls, of course we all got tons of girls as a result of being awesome… except for Stevens, Stevens is such a wuss.” As Biller’s laugh cracked I got the sense that something very serious was on his mind. he cautiously continued saying, “They don’t even talk about each others mothers. How can you really enjoy just shitting on people if you don’t even talk about their mother?” He got a little weird and serious and said, “My mother died when I was six from breast cancer, but none of my FASCIST friends know this. Now you may find that strange, or think less of our friendship, but I do it because I would never want to take away from their ability to talk smack on as many mothers as possible. I let my friends say terrible things about my dead mother because I love them and can’t imagine a world where friends didn’t talk about each others moms that way.” As a single tear rolled down his face and he quickly wiped it and frantically explained that dust had gotten into it, I decided he needed to meet the biggest douchebag I knew.

When we met up with Brad he was day drinking with some friends in preparation for a party that night where they would have to be already drunk if they wanted to withstand the alcohol provided. Brad introduced himself to Biller saying, “Hey I’m Brad Fanger, but my friends call me Banger cause of how I bang girls.” Biller quickly replied saying, “Ohh Fanger huh? Well I’d think maybe I was your father given how much I gave it to your mother in the early 90’s but no son of mine would ever be seen at the same party with this many gays.” As Biller laughed by himself Banger, angrily came back saying, “Well I don’t know my dad so you couldn’t be him, and being gay’s not a bad thing anymore, but I’m definitely not one. I’ve gone at least as far as making out with over 200 girls.” With a look of respect in his eye Biller walked away yelling, “Say hi to your mommy for me at your next spin the bottle party.”

As I caught up to Biller, who was walking nowhere after his exit from the situation, he said, “ya know, I still don’t like those disrespectful little douchebags, but that kid seemed all right. I’ll make sure the FASCIST crew excludes him in their plans to heckle them at their own parties.” A few days later we found out that Banger was actually Billers son, and though I still didn’t really understand the difference between them, I was glad I could introduce them.