The main things all GEs have in common are:
– Attendance
will be highest the first day and on exam days.
– Any
other day, the class will be 1-50% of that size.
– Your
TA desperately wishes you would participate/give a shit/like them.
– Your
professor is probably blissfully enjoying both tenure and lecturing to an
audience of himself.
It is very possible that some General Ed-required classes
changed your life, or introduced you to things you wouldn’t have otherwise
known about that have enriched you as a human in some way. Some students get a
lot out of these.
Most, however, are there to get an education in passing the
class so they can move on to caring about, you know, whatever they came to the
school to study on purpose. They won’t buy the course reader, don’t read the
textbook, participate very occasionally and enjoy never looking back.
The following course guide is an overview of selected practical
GE expectations! There will be a quiz, but we both know you won’t study, so
whatever.
Philosophy
Spend the beginning of the course pissed that it turns out there’s a ton of basic
algebra to do when it comes to probability-type issues. Spend the end of the class pissed
that, of all the infinite possible universes in existence, you are sitting in a lecture hall
instead of spending eternity in the cotton candy/sex/everyone gets to be Lady
Gaga universe.
The most you’ll get
out of this class: Employ the shit out of logic and deductive reasoning to
form opinions about basically anything more confidently and concretely.
The bare minimum:
You will have so much to talk about when you’re high.
If a tree falls in
the forest”¦ And there’s no one around to hear, does it make a sound? (Of
course. Of course it makes a sound.)
Sociology
Congratulations! You’ve stumbled upon the most bullshittable
class at the school (and yes, we are including art electives). Highlights may
be described as “kinda interesting” or “taking a nap.” Low points include that
guy that rambles about his stepfamily in discussion.
The most you’ll get
out of this class: A more detailed, enriched picture of the modern families
and social relations of the world we live in, as well as a greater
understanding of your place within it.
The bare minimum:
Not even mustering up the energy to cry when you realize exactly how much money
you’re paying in tuition to not come to each class.
If a tree falls in
the forest”¦ It didn’t have adequate familial support as a sapling.
Anthropology
Picture the glorious cuteness and inspiring innocence
nature’s animals have to offer. Picture then that cuteness, along with your
soul, shattered forever as you watch apes cannibalize one of their own infants,
some toad explode Monty-Python-style because it didn’t know when to stop
eating, and much more monkey sex than you ever thought possible. Not that these
aren’t important, fascinating things to learn, but animals will be ruined for
you forever. It’s just sort of like finding out Santa isn’t real and/or
watching the Easter Bunny smash bones open to eat marrow every morning.
The most you’ll get
out of this class: Broaden your horizons as your understanding of the
origins of humans and our culture is illuminated in this introductory
anthropology course.
The bare minimum:
Monkey sex!! Monkey sex burned into your retinas!
If a tree falls in
the forest”¦ It was probably due to abnormally enthusiastic monkey banging,
which is the lead-in to our next video.
Biology
Whoops, looks like you accidentally took a pre-med class! It
satisfies your GE requirement, of course, and looked the same as all the others
when you signed up, but you’ll cry over your workload while the other classes
are still labeling the same hilarious diagrams of rock layers and flower
sexparts you first saw in seventh grade.
The most you’ll get
out of this class: Rising to the challenge and gaining a new sense of
self-worth as you straight-up dominate the class.
The bare minimum:
Quietly congratulating yourself on your arts and letters degree.
If a tree falls in
the forest”¦ It will be a host to countless organisms, and you’d better be
able to name every damn one.
Psychology
Unfortunately, you’ve managed to accidentally take a class
that sounds like it would probably be a GE, but counts for nothing but elective
credits. What gives??
The most you’ll get
out of this class: Realizing that guy who pays attention to you and ignores
you at unpredictable intervals is using the most effective “intermittent”
rewards system.
The bare minimum:
Continuing to drunk dial him regardless.
If a tree falls in
the forest”¦ Is it aware there’s counseling offered on campus?? TELL IT IT’S
NOT ALONE
Writing 140/340
Twice a week, an opportunity to be angry that some poor
writing scores at some point must have required the school to institute a
mandatory class on the five paragraph essay and grade it in a way that creates
the illusion of efficacy (retardedly).
The most you’ll get
out of this class: Let me know when you know.
The bare minimum:
An exercise in anger management.
If a tree falls in
the forest”¦ The communication of this information is only valuable if it’s
in five-paragraph MLA format, minimum three sources. C.
“¦Minus.
