“It’s been a long journey, but we’ve reached the dream,” says Professor Peter Bender. “Now I can die knowing I did something important.”

For the past 20 years, Professor Bender has been tirelessly pushing to build an academic program in which students can earn a degree in writing papers. “Sure, virtually every area of study requires a lot of papers, but what about the individuals who just love the act of writing a dry, well-crafted paper filled with academic jargon? Those are the people that can finally have a home here at USC.”

Bender himself loved writing papers at an early age, and that love only grew more passionate as he got older. “When I was in college, there was no place for someone like me. I had to pretend to be passionate about what I was majoring in- I think it was something like Film or Rock Music History, not sure- just so I could write papers,” explains Bender. “Every time I sat down to prepare an impossibly and impractically long thesis statement that would cover all of my upcoming points, I knew that this, THIS was what I wanted to spend my life doing.”

Hoping to make a difference for generations to come, Bender has at last successfully created a program where Paper Writing can now be a major. “I’m surprised it hasn’t happened sooner, to be honest,” says Ilena Wong, a senior. “There’s a real demand for talented paper writers in the job market.”

According to Bender, the Paper Writing division will be “highly selective.” Applicants are expected to submit essays about why they love writing papers, as well as a portfolio of their best papers thus far. They are also invited to include any creative works, such as poetry, photography, painting, sculpture, screenplays, songs, mathematical proofs, and short stories, that might further explain the applicant’s passion for academic paper writing.

“We’ve had the tools to make this happen all along,” explains Bender. “It was just a matter of someone caring enough to step up and admit that paper writing is just as important as, say, medicine.”

Though it might be expected, Bender is not finished with his academic crusade. “I’ve got some other passion projects in the works. Necessary programs that are long overdue,” he nods. “My next one is going to be a degree for Writing in Cursive.”

Sign me up.