With the election swiftly approaching like a hurricane, and each candidate trying to be the one to leave half the nation in devastation, the race for votes has never been closer. Earlier this week Gov. Mitt Romney learned that women now have the right to vote, and that he has completely neglected the demographic. As Romney made the choice to start pandering to women his mind was read by a drone President Barack Obama has been using to keep tabs on the candidate. Romney remembered how his mother always used to communicate with the other women at high society social gatherings and decided that cunningly putting women down with a smile was the best way to communicate with them. As Obama’s drone reported on the thought pattern the race to backhandedly destroy the self esteem of the nations women began.

Gov. Romney quickly took to the campaign trail making a small town hall speech, he quickly pointed to the new carpeting in the auditorium and sucked air in through his teeth before saying, “Ohh is this.. umm… new?” Afterward while shaking hands and kissing babies Gov. Romney looked up from an adorable little guy he had just laid one on to the mother who was holding him and said, “Ohh I see where he gets his nice full cheeks from.”

President Obama, without missing a beat, made a speech from the White House where he addressed the nation’s women twice. The first instance he pretended to be talking to the nation’s children. The President bent down and politely said, “Now who let you out on this fall day without a coat on?” and then shot a judging look towards the nation’s mothers. Later in the speech Obama singled out all mothers who’s husbands were going away on business trips and offered to come “help out around the house while they’re away,” then saying that he “knows how hectic things can get with the children whenever the nation’s husbands go on business trips.”

Political advisor Christian Potter commented on the candidates strategy saying, “Women basically want to be able to connect to their president the way they would to their mothers or mothers-in-law, using the same communication strategies that these women use to blandish and then patronize the nation’s women is sheer genius.” In an attempt to be hired by one of the presidential campaigns, Potter then said, “I’m just surprised their brothers didn’t come up with it first, they’ve always been the smart ones in the families.”

Jessica Linley, A college Freshman at Ohio State University, stated that after Gov. Romney visited her college and said, “So I guess you’re enjoying that dorm room next to the dining hall? Well, I’m glad your having fun,” to her, that she felt connected with him on a level she hadn’t realized possible for a president. She also stated that she now found him to be “Totally embarrassing,” and added that she “Understands things were different when he was growing up, but she doesn’t want to be anything like him when she gets older.”

At press time the nations women were found rolling their eyes at the candidates from the other side of the telephone. Polls revealed that 52% of the nations women found Obamas desire to make them better people more appealing, 46% found Gov. Romney’s comfortability being honest with them more appealing, and 2% of the nations women decided they just needed a few days off from the candidates.