It’s that time of the year again: SUMMER TIME!!!! (We’re going to pretend that summer starts the minute school ends because FUCK THE SUMMER SOLSTICE). Now, throw those $300 dollar text books that you never opened out the window, and start living it up! Of course, in order to make the most out of your summer it is appropriate to make a bucket list to track your achievements. Here are a few helpful suggestions to get you on the right track:
1) Make bank: everyone needs money. Money makes the world go round. Perhaps you have a fancy, well-paying job in some fancy, air-conditioned building in some fancy city. Maybe you are serving ice cream or babysitting a herd of five-year-olds all day for minimum wage. Or perhaps you are slaving away at an unpaid internship and working the street corner every night. You do what you gotta do.
2) Get tan: In order to prove that you weren’t playing video games all summer and that you actually did exciting things, you need a tan. A tan says: “Look at me! I’m hot and I may or may not die of skin cancer later in life.” You can do it the old fashioned way by actually going outside, but who has time for that anymore? You’re working at your well-paying job. Better fake and bake or spray on that bronzer.
3) Go to the gym: “Oh my gosh, I’m like totally going to lose 20 lbs this summer so that I look super sexy in my new itsy bitsy, teeny weeny, yellow polkadot bikini!” We’ve all heard it, but will it happen? Maybe. If you have time to get your overworked pasty body to the gym, more power to you. For the rest of us, there’s always that New Year’s Resolution promise 7 months from now.
4) Have sex: You have money, your body is bronzed and buffed to perfection: time to put it to good use. Everyone is looking for that summer fling. Maybe it’s that co-worker you’ve had an eye on, or your old high school crush. Either way, it doesn’t matter because it is just an ephemeral fuck that will never have future consequences…right? Right?!
Now you have your plan, so go make the most of the UV rays, long days, frivolous lays, and your job that pays (or not). Or you could always do nothing and just tell everyone how you spent your summer “reflecting on the complexities of our postmodern disquietude.” Everyone will be too confused to figure out that you really just watched 7 TV series on Netflix.
