Okay, this isn’t Britain. We’ve all been to the dentist.
They put bad-tasting shit in our mouths, we “accidentally” bite them, it’s a
love/hate relationship. They need us for money and secret experiments, we need
them for basic oral hygiene. It’s cool.

But where the fuck in the dentistry code of minty conduct
does it say they require Coffee Bean on the reg? By the way the cinema school
Coffee Bean is so overrun with dental scrubs, you’d think they needed Ice
Blended in their IVs. (IVs they stole from the real med students, natch.) Now,
I understand the school of dentistry and other useless things is right across
the street, so it makes sense for the scrub birds to migrate over to cinema
territory. But that doesn’t make it okay.

We’ve all been there. Ten minute break from your four-hour
class. You’re hungry, tired, really want to get away from that weird crit
studies kid, so you go downstairs for a quick coffee. You round the corner,
ready for salvation, only to see the Coffee Bean line’s 95% dental students and
out the door. Okay, baby dentists need caffeine too, but it doesn’t feel like
just innocent asshole-ing. It’s everyday and it’s all the time, except for
maybe that godforsaken witching hour around 5 on a Friday when the barista
shuts down the register just as you come off your work shift. Or is that just

The way I see it, there’s one of two explanations for what’s
going on. A) Dental students really like coffee and have no respect for the
pale and plaid film kids. I get this. We have zero respect for them, just we
have no reason to mill around their eyesore of a building. 2) The dental school
has gotten wind of the fact that they suck and we want to bulldoze them to
improve our view/make a sweet Death Star themed park. And their invasion of the
Coffee Bean is just that: an act of war. Anyone who’s played Age of Empires
knows that the only way to beat a superior fortress like our own beautiful
cinema school is to starve it out. They’re trying to cut off our only food and
caffeine supply and if we don’t put a stop to it soon, they will. This is serious Bloods and Crips shit. They are on the offensive. Yeah, it won’t mean much except more bagged lunches, but
I refuse to defeat the scrubs looking like a poor third grader. I want to take
them down looking like the douchey film school champs we are.

So here’s my proposal to best weed out what no one wants.
Mandatory dress code, scrubs not allowed. I don’t think anyone would complain.
That color isn’t found in nature for a reason. They can’t get no love from TLC
and they shouldn’t get any from our Coffee Bean. Get your own rich dentist alum
to buy you one. I’m imagining a Dr. Evil-esque guy with half the cool and twice the idiocy.