In a groundbreaking study performed at the University of
Southern California, researchers appear to have discovered that the one true
thing women can’t resist is a loud and aggressive cat call.

“Honestly, I am so turned on when strange men I don’t know
yell their observations about my body at me as they drive by,” says Bianca
Morley, a sophomore that participated in the study. “And if he whistles too?
Marry me!”

 “I could be
wearing a baggy t-shirt and sweatpants on a Sunday, and all I need to feel good
about myself again is a throaty “heyyyyyyy youuuuuuuu’ from a guy driving an
unmarked van,” agrees Karen Yom, a senior. “Sometimes I even forget that I’m a
woman until a random dude on Figueroa Street shouts reminders at me.”

The study indicates that in spite of age or race, the reaction
is universal: in the moments after a cat call occurs, women actively have to
resist the urge to drop what they’re doing and chase after the initiating men
to get, in medical terms, “some good lovin’.”

Patricia Raser, the chief researcher in the study, was not
surprised by the results. At all. “Why guys everywhere aren’t leering at girls
from their open windows more often is beyond me. It’s so simple, and so
effective!” she says. “Besides, how else are any of us females going to know
that you noticed we have breasts?”

Thomas Holt, a USC alumni, shared his own experience with cat
calling. “It all started when I saw a really nice trunk full of junk walking
down the street, so I had to tell the girl attached to it about her excellent
derrière because she probably didn’t know much about her own body anyway. Now
that heap of trunk junk is my wife.”

Looks like the new word for “love” is “trunk junk.”

“When you stop and think about it, it makes perfect sense,”
explains Bertha Kent, USC professor of Women’s Behavioral Studies. “All guys
have to do is imagine how their own mother or sister might react if SHE were on
the receiving end of their cat calls,” she says, pausing to let that sink in.
“They would obviously love it.”

Bianca had one last thing to add before continuing on her way
to the grocery store. “The guys that cat call are of all ages and types, and I
have a feeling they don’t even know that their fleeting, blunt, impersonal words
mean so much to us,” she says with a
sigh. “And I just want to say, thank you.”

It’s pretty clear that the ladies of USC, and probably the
world, want men to know and understand just how much cat calling means to them,
and to act accordingly. Gentleman, it’s up to you.