One of the most talked-about stories in
this tumultuous baseball offseason has been the possible loss of Derek
Jeter’s leadoff spot, a spot in the batting order he has held for fifteen

When asked about
relinquishing his spot in the order, essentially a demotion, Jeter said
“have you seen pictures of my wife, Minka Kelly? She was named
Esquire’s Sexiest Woman in 2010. She was super hot in The Roommate too.
That’s my wife.”

Another concern
that has been voiced has been the decline in Jeter’s fielding skills.
When asked about whether he would move from shortstop, the position where
he won multiple Gold Gloves, Jeter responded “If you go to
, you’ll see the video from the Esquire
photo shoot. That’s the woman waiting for me in my bed right now. Make
sure you get the capitalization right on the URL or you’ll end up at some
video about sneezing cats.”

A question about Jeter’s protracted offseason contract
negotiations,resulting in claims that he is now overpaid and overrated,
prompted this curt response: “I also used to hook up with Jessica Biel and
Mariah Carey. I’m going to have sex with my wife now.”

Further desperate attempts (pleading, knocking on the door) for comment
were denied.

When asked about Jeter’s spot in the
batting order, third baseman Alex Rodriguez said “Remember when I was
with Madonna? That was so risque! Look at me posing like a centaur now!
No, over here! Look at me!”