We’ve all had hook ups, (or at least now we’re all in agreement that I’m cool enough to have had them) but recent studies tell us these hookups commence for reasons outside of what conventional wisdom, and common sense, would have us believe. According to research conducted by young men all across the country, being suave, cool, charming, good looking, and funny actually has nothing to do with getting girls.


Self proclaimed “hookup anthropologist,” and liaison for Southern California’s Unappealing Men (SCUM), Gregory Schmidt, had this to say: “I’ve been through this like a thousand times bro, literally. Girls just don’t care, even if they like you. Once they get to a party and have a few drinks they ditch you for a D-bag in a flannel button down.” As he stopped to fix his “prescription” Ray Bans I asked him what proof he had of these girls liking him at all in the first place. He replied confidently, saying, “For instance, I was talking to this one girl a few weeks ago, and I was doing everything right. I would text her constantly, poke her on Facebook, continuously passive-aggressively ask her to join me in private situations, touch her stomach in front of other guys, blatantly ask if I could engage in specific sexual acts with her when we were alone, and always tell her how all the other guys she was friends with were douche bags. I obviously pulled out all the stops, but when we went to a party together, she went and hooked up with the DJ.”


Though the sticker of authenticity left on his flat brim hat revealed that he was someone to be trusted, I still wasn’t entirely convinced of his credibility. He looked at his enormously faced watch and sighed, seeing that I was clearly eager to discover what he attributed these instances of lady pilfering to. He continued, saying, “As my blog clearly states, every time this has happened, the guy has been no more interesting, charming, or well-favored than me. It’s happened with a DJ, a president of a frat, one of those dudes who carries an acoustic guitar around, and a Lax bro. None of those guys held a candle to me, but they always had something that gave them a distinct advantage. One was wearing a pair of Dr. Dre’s Beats, another smelled like Abercrombie, and another was chewing Five gum. Just watch the commercials for these products; its obvious they’re all ways to a guaranteed hookup.”


As he got up to refill his glass of ironic chocolate milk, I asked him why he didn’t try these things himself, and what makes him think he’s more interesting than these guys. He turned back. “Cheating’s not my style, I’m a comedian, I make memes,” he exclaimed as he shot me a Blue Steel.