Michael Faulkner, parent of college freshman, Jamie Faulkner is seriously concerned about his son’s school habits.

“We came up for parents weekend and I asked him how his hangover was.” Faulkner Sr. remembers. “Then he proceeded to tell me that he didn’t have one because he had a big exam this week and he needed to study. I thought he was just kidding at first, you know? Trying to pull one over on the old man. So, then I ask him about the ladies and he says to me, TO ME, his own father, that he hasn’t met any girls because he opted to live in the all boys engineering learning community. So, now I’m thinking my son is either a complete loser or the best liar in the world, and I’m praying he’s a liar.”
Faulkner Sr. soon found out it was a case of the former as opposed to the latter. When his son came home for Thanksgiving, they had a serious talk.
“That boy has skipped three parties already to go to class. Three. It’s unacceptable. I told him that if these habits keep up, his mother and I aren’t going to help him pay for his next semester. There’s a real, cruel world out there and I’m not dropping a small fortune every semester for that kid to do math problems all day. Right then and there I decided to put him through a series of exercises to bring out the party animal in him.” Stated Faulkner Sr.
The next time his son was in for break, Faulkner Sr. made him shotgun a beer upon entering the house; this continued until he could finally break the beer open without stabbing himself in the palm. Next I made him watch the movie “Animal House” on mute while he listened to “I Love College” by Asher Roth on repeat.
“Whenever he entered a room, I would scream “FRESHMAN!” right up in his face, I mean I would get right up in his business. The next step was to burn his books. All the books. Not even just the offensive ones that taught evolution and shit. When it was time to go back to school, he wouldn’t even say bye to me. What a jerk.” admits Faulkner Sr.
“I guess I raised a pussy.”
NOTE: It has recently been discovered by CampusBasement investigators that Michael Faulkner was not actually the father of Jamie, but a mentally disturbed uncle who refuses to believe he is not Jamie’s father. A restraining order is pending.
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