My boys often ask me, “Sam, how do you stay so yoked?”  In the Wash U weight room, however, this
question often comes in the form of a “how do you improve your muscular
strength and definition?”  Well I’m here
to finally reveal the secret to getting jacked. 
Steroids! Yes, steroids are the secret. 
Not only are they effective, but easy to use.  Yes, with three simple steps you’ll be lookin’
like Arnold within a week.  

The first step is to find the steroids
themselves.  In order to do this you
might want to contact your local Guido, he will be able to direct you to some
sort of dealer.  After acquiring the
steroids, you should look for a needle. 
Any needle will do; don’t worry about sterilization, what is this, a
third world country, c’mon now, man up.  
Okay now you’ve got the steroids and the needle, all you gotta find is a
buddy.  Now you don’t want to ask any
random dude, these things are goin’ in your butt so be careful of who you
choose.  When you’ve found that
trustworthy someone, your task is almost complete.  Hit the locker rooms and proceed with the
injection, also don’t cry, tears equal weakness.

But seriously, if you want to get
jacked the road is paved with hard-work and determination.  Also make sure to drink your protein shakes…WARNING: Protein shakes taste,
smell, and feel bad.  If you aren’t in
the mood to produce more gas than OPEC, getting jacked probably isn’t for you.

If you’re a Wash U student keep in
mind that getting ripped involves a ton of work, you can’t do it if your head
is buried in your books.  In this case
you should probably refer to the first half of this article.  Otherwise give it a shot, try and get to the
weight room three to four times a week.  Ask
any meatheads in the general vicinity what lifts to do if you want to look
good.  Don’t fear, all that grunting and
snorting is only to compensate for our weak, scared inner-children.  So next time you see that dude walking around
campus and say, “Damn, how can I look like him?”  The answer is simple, we’re at Wash U;
chances are that dude came here looking like that.  So unless you’re a part-time student with a
ton of free time, you should probably just be happy working out that big old



may or may not be my actual routine.