The Syracuse University Fraternity
Council made an unexpected announcement on Saturday, November 13th.
According to officials, a scholarship fund for freshman boys with
difficulties getting into parties has been formed. Fraternity brother
Joshua Glade gave a statement: “Yeah, you know how like 5 freshman
boys will show up on our doorstep with no girls and we make them pay
like ten or fifteen bucks to get into our party? There was totally a
reason! All the money we’ve collected is being used to create a
scholarship fund.”

     When asked what the profile
of the ideal recipient of the scholarship was, Glade was quoted as
saying, “We want Freshman boys with average looks and no game to
understand that they too are welcome at our university. You guys
probably thought we were jerks for charging an insane amount of money
for you to get in, but we were just doing it to help you. We’re
giving 5 lucky, socially awkward freshman boys the opportunity to
receive a free Syracuse education with the thousands of dollars we’ve
collected from you for admission into our parties. You can thank us

     Glade stated that the ideal
recipient will “have never kissed a girl, watches The Weather
Channel’s original programming and thinks Lil’ Wayne and Weezy are
two different people.” he added that these were just minimum
requirements that were necessary to qualify. “To be competitive, a
candidate must also shower on only a semi-regular basis, be either
severely under or overweight and have an eccentric talent. The talent
could be anything, but the recipient has to fail miserably at it
while still thinking they’re amazing. This could be juggling, card
tricks or rapping. We have no preference.”