It’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for–the exciting conclusion to our Top Ten Most Annoying and Over-Used Dorm Posters ever. We pick up where we left off with a perennial favorite:
5. Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s
While James Dean from Part I of our series is more of a unisex poster…Holly Golightly is really something you find in the rooms of chicks. However, this poster suffers from the same issues as Jimmy Dean, because if women actually understood what this movie is about, they probably wouldn’t be putting Ms. Golightly up as a golden idol to worship.
This movie is basically about a prostitute. No, not just basically, it’s completely about a prostitute. Two prostitutes, in fact. It’s just a little less obvious because this movie was made in 1961, and America wasn’t quite such a publicly whorey society.
Yes girls, I understand that she looks oh-so-glamorous with that tiara, the cigarette holder, the pearls, and the famous little black dress. But she’s also a gold digger with some serious daddy issues who lets herself be squired around by fat sweaty millionaires, after digging herself out of a disturbing and vaguely incestual family situation by marrying some Texan at like 14, then escaping to New York and burying the pain through alcohol and jumping from man to man without reason or purpose, hiding behind a carefully-sculpted visage of class and good breeding, all while dying a little inside each day.
I know, I know, I just described like half the female population of Syracuse University. So maybe you really identify with this poster. But you might want to be a little less obvious about it, ladies.
4. Boobs.
You know what? I’m a guy. I like boobs. So do most guys. We would be completely content just staring at boobs all day. Thank God it’s not really socially acceptable to do so, or progress in our civilization as a whole would probably grind to a screeching halt.
That’s why the boob-poster industry is a billion-dollar boondoggle. It’s a rare thing to walk into a straight college male’s room and not find some gigantic mammaries staring you in the face.
Yet here’s my strike against the naked chick poster: At some point in your college career, fellas, you might want to bring a young lady back to your place, right? If that ever happens, a new issue surfaces, which I like to call the Abercrombie & Fitch Effect.
Ever walk past an A & F store in the mall? You always know when you’re approaching one because you can hear the bumping nightclub music and smell the mushroom cloud of body spray from a mile away. Right at the entrance to the store, there’s always a larger-than-life-size shirtless guy with nipples like dinner plates, wearing jeans with a rise that is way, way, way too low. As a man, if that’s the first thing you see, does it make you feel comfortable? Does it make you want to shop in that store? No. No it does not.
Let’s turn it around. Let’s say you’re a girl. Do you want to come into a guy’s room and be surrounded by naked chicks who are, in all likelihood, way hotter than you? Does it make you comfortable? With women, nothing puts the brakes on a good night faster than body image issues.
Ergo, the boobs poster is not a viable option. No matter how much you may love it. Think of it as a necessary sacrifice for the real thing.
3. Bob Marley
One love, one heart, all that shit. This goes in the same vein as Dave Matthews. Get a job, hippies. And tapestries aren’t allowed in SU dorms, so suck it.
2. The Sensitive Touchy-Feely Relationshippy Poster
Girls love them. They have names like “The Kiss” and feature romantic rowboat picnics or candlelight dinners under the Eiffel Tower or sharing a passionate embrace under an umbrella in the rain. Ladies, this is really more for your own personal sanity than anyone else’s. You need to accept something: just as we will never date a Maxim cover model who enjoys football, video games and constant sex, you will never be with a sensitive-guy-with-an-edgy-dark-side who pulls crazy stunts like surprising you with first class tickets to Paris or really listening to what you’re saying. The sooner you accept this, the better. Just stop dreaming now and prepare yourself for the paunchy balding claims adjuster you’ll be spending your life with. You’ll be a lot happier once you’re numb.
And finally, the number one most over-used dorm poster that just should not exist:
1. Anything involving Twilight.
Yeah, I went there.
