So it turns out, the SU community has some questions for the people at CuseMyCampus. And since CMC is too prude to answer those questions, they asked me to handle it. My answers may not shoot a rainbow off the screen and into your gut, and you may feel offended to the extreme. But sometimes, the truth just takes that rainbow and shoves it up your ass. Deal with it.
Dear “Cuse” My “Campus,”
I just found out that the girl I’ve been hooking up with has a boyfriend. I wasn’t sure if I felt guilty about it, but then last Saturday it got really weird when she brought the alleged boyfriend to my house to play beer pong. She still hasn’t mentioned being in a relationship, and I’m pretty sure the boyfriend thinks I’m the coolest guy in the world. What’s going on? Is this girl crazy?
Dear Medieval Phallic Symbol,
The short answer to your question is: yes, she’s totally bat shit crazy. The question is: good crazy or bad crazy? I’ll let you decide.
She could just be a really bad cheater and didn’t see any danger in bringing her boyfriend over to your house, or maybe the boyfriend is more gullible than Joseph of Galilee (angel rape? that’s the best story she could come up with?). Either way it’s bad news because even good cheaters get caught, especially at a gossipy school like SU.
Regarding your guilt, I’ve never understood why home wreckers get such a bad rap. They’re not the ones cheating. Like in this case, you don’t even know what the hell’s going on. That being said, cheating pisses people off. Even if you think you could take him in a fight, getting hit in the head with a baseball bat fucking sucks, so just be careful.
There is also a chance that this whole situation is something else entirely. This girl started cheating on her boyfriend. That happens relatively often, but she doesn’t even seem worried about getting caught. Why wouldn’t she be worried about that……Because the boyfriend’s in on it! They’re swingers! One dick ain’t good enough for this chick. The boyfriend tried to grow a second one, but he couldn’t, and that’s where you come in.
The boyfriend thought you were “the coolest guy in the world” because he wants you to poke his girlfriend, and that’s awesome. At some point, you’ll be having sex with her, and the boyfriend will walk in on you, but instead of beating the shit out of you, he’ll drop his pants and start beating something else (his penis).
I didn’t think this went on in college, but your situation follows the mold perfectly. It starts out like any other boy meets girl story. Then after a while you meet her really good friend. Then the really good friend happens to be around every time you guys have sex. Then, before you know it, you’re one third of a rotisserie chicken and wondering where your childhood innocence went.
Send your questions to: firstname.lastname@example.org