Emergency Aid stations dotted the quad at Syracuse University on Tuesday afternoon as the administration scrambled to treat students suffering from extreme fatigue and unknown illnesses due to a professor actually lecturing on the first day of classes.

Many students collapsed upon exiting Arthur Mulrooney’s HST 154: History of Modern Europe class, after having to endure a full ninety-minute lecture on the economic issues that caused the First World War.

“It was awful,” sophomore Emily Francis gasped as a Health Services employee hooked her up to an IV. “My first two classes were bad enough, the professors handed out syllabi and then READ THEM OUT LOUD TO US. But then…Mulrooney hands out his syllabus and once I saw the first slide of the powerpoint presentation, I just blacked out.”

Freshman Dan Quark agreed. “It was almost unbearable. I nearly didn’t make it. But I thought about my family, and that inspired me to keep going in the face of this intolerable cruelty.”

“But really, I pay $50,000 to attend this school, and you’re expecting to throw me right into being EDUCATED on the very first day? Unbelievable. I hope he gets fired.”

Quark already has plans to write a book about his harrowing exploits during that fateful hour and a half. Meanwhile, the University announced that an investigation would be launched to review Professor Mulrooney’s questionable conduct. As of press time, several students were meeting with litigation attorney Gloria Allred to explore possible legal action against Arthur Mulrooney and the school.

Messages to Chancellor Cantor seeking comment were not returned.