Major Insights: this is the ultimate abridged guide to choosing a major at Syracuse University. Please take the imparted wisdom with a grain of salt, a lemon and a shot of tequila.

Philosophy: Do you want to be a philosopher when you grow up? Then this is definitely, definitely the major for you. Because the ability to analyze fundamental problems of existence and come up with no real definitive answers is in such high demand on the job market right now.

African American Studies: This major studies the roots of the popular maxim “It’s because I’m BLACK, right?” (You have to emphasize the word ‘black’ or else it’s not legit.) If you’re good at making this phrase relevant to any and every situation in life, you should major in this.

Psychology: Apparently you can go into any field with this major but at the same time, employers prefer specific majors, like accounting, over a psych major. This makes it the most useful useless major ever! Or is that useless useful? If you’re good at memorizing 19 chapters worth of information in a two week period, this is an ideal major for you.

Geography: I noticed a lot of sorority girls major in this. I guess that means the major’s pretty easy, kinda like SU girls. So guys, major in this if you want to increase your chances of getting laid. Or maybe you’re just on the football and needed a class to pass.

Anything in VPA: These majors, although seemingly different on the exterior, all explore the enlightening concept of “The Futility of Spending Your Parents’ Retirement Money on Art School.” Major in this if you like to engage yourself in expressing a post-modern panoramic vision of “The Futility of Spending Your Parents’ Retirement Money on Art School.”

Women & Gender Studies: A hot dog bun-fest. For the estrogen deficient. Learn what it means to be a woman. Learn what it means to be a gender. Major in this if you really want to know why SU teams had to change their nickname from ‘Orangemen’ to a fruit (hey, you don’t see guys protesting for a Men’s Studies program or petitioning to the chancellor to change the name of the Women’s Building..).

Sociology: This is one of the forefathers of Public Relations and belongs to the family tree of “Making Obvious and Common Sense Things Sound Complicated and Intelligent Just So I Can Feel Like I’m Contributing to Our Country’s GDP.” I just checked my dictionary and it said SEE: Bullshit. If you’re good at making observations like, “Racism exists because people are racist” and can drag that thought out for 6-8 pages (it’s always an even number) double-spaced, this is the major for you.

Anything in Newhouse: Major in this school if you love showing off. It’s also like adding glitter to your resume. Everybody loves metaphoric glitter.

Physics: Do you replace the letter “F” with “PH”? Does your heart drop in sheer excitement at the rate of negative 9.81 meters per second squared when someone mentions the relation between Schrödinger’s equation and the path integral formulation of quantum mechanics? Does your brain scream ‘centripetal phorce!’ when making a wide turn on the freeway? If all of the above, it”s obvs. that you’re not really undecided. Note: communication skills not really needed; a knowledge of math might help though. I guess this would wipe out 94.3200107% of the SU population. Oops, I should have considered that before including this in my guide.

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