Early last Saturday morning, around 3 am to be exact, local Syracuse University Junior Ted Welby took what he describes as a “totally sober spill down some stairs.” Friends report that Ted, who was totally sober, was trying to figure out which pocket his ID card was in and eat a crunch wrap supreme with no hands when he took said spill. He missed a stair on the Kimmel Food Court stairway, tripped, and literally kept rolling down them until he hit Marion Hall.

      The next day, Ted woke up to realize that he could not move his left arm. In a panic, he immediately took an ibuprofen, again, not for a hangover, and ran to Health Services. Upon arrival at Health Services, Ted was offered condoms before he could finish his sentence explaining his broken arm.

      “No, I don’t need condoms.” replied Ted. “I think my arm is broken. I’m in a lot of pain, I can’t move it and I’m about 90% sure the bone is visible.” Ted informed Health Services.

      After careful deliberation, Health Services prescribed Ted a red Gatorade and two Tylenol PMs.

      “They said ‘come back tomorrow if that doesn’t fix the problem.’ Are you kidding me?” exclaimed an exasperated and still broken Ted. “I can’t move my freaking arm and they think that a Gatorade and 8 hours of sleep is going to change that?”

       Our staff checked in with Ted after he had completed his prescribed 8 hours of sleep and drank the Gatorade. Ted informed us that he “Actually was feeling a little bit better.” His arm is still broken, but the electrolytes and sleep did wonders for his hangover. We mean ‘not hangover.’

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