Like a
solar eclipse, it’s not every day that you see University of Michigan President Mary Sue Coleman drop the whole goody-goody act for some quality
partying. In an attempt to better “relate”
to the student body, Coleman chose to begin Friday night’s festivities at the
tier-1 frat, Sigma Alpha Epsilon. The Bros,
of course, were “totally stoked, bro” that Coleman decided to wet her lips at their beautiful
house (on the outside, at least).
Said one Junior Brother, “Yeah, man,
we were super pumped when we found out that Mary Sue picked us over all the other
fraggots. Get it? Fag + frat = fraggot.” He laughed at his sexually-oriented insensitivity. “But for real, it wasn’t surprising that she
chose us””not to be modest or anything.”
After playing 22 games of beer pong,
Coleman and others proceeded to shotgun Natty Light. The Brothers were, to say the least, “totally stoked, man” with Coleman’s drinking stamina””the primary qualification they look
for in potential pledges. According to sources, she
was seen smashing the can on her forehead after finishing the Natty.
“Like, she’s a girl and tiny. How the eff could she drink all that?” one Sophomore Brother asked, adding, “If she was a dude she’d definitely get a bid. Or at least a fist bump.”
Coleman and the Bros were pretty
plastered at about 10:30 pm. Sources spotted Coleman fist-pumping
to “Levels”””playing for the 10th time in a row””on the house’s
ledge. “Intoxication breeds elevation,”
she yelled. “Who wants to slap the bag?!”
Once the profanity enSUEd, the Brothers
knew it was time they introduced Coleman to a more sophisticated place””the bars. Coleman, appropriately
dressed in leggings and high heels, was seen stumbling down South U on the way
to Rick’s. After taking 20 minutes to
walk two blocks, Coleman and the Bros cut to the front of the line. So rare was the President sighting that one
Tri-Delt, who’d had “maybe like 6 shots,” passed out when she made
eye-contact with Coleman.
A few Brothers entered the bar before the Colemanator, a la the Secret Service. What happened next was, according to some waiting in line, disgraceful. Supposedly,
despite her grandmotherly appearance, the bouncer asked Coleman for her
ID. Of course, she didn’t have pockets
and had left her purse at the house, which, by bouncer standards, means she didn’t exist. She pleaded with the
bouncer to let her in to no avail. Coleman was told that she could call DPS to
somehow prove her identity, but that further repercussions would be forthcoming
if she were proven guilty. This really
got the other brothers still outside riled up.
“She was really killin’ my drunk,
dude,” one brother said. “If you can’t
join me, then farewell to thee,” he continued, apparently quoting a passage
from his Shakespeare presentation earlier in the day. “Plus, I had to take a leak, super bad!”
It’s
unclear what happened following Coleman’s rejection at the bar. The consensus appears to be that she went to
Panchero’s, ate a burrito with no meat, rice, or beans, and subsequently called
it a night.
