Interfraternity Council member Richard Derp has not slept,
eaten, or gone to the bathroom since early Thursday morning. Due to a controversial
new rule recently proposed by IFC, all Syracuse fraternities are obligated to
submit guest lists for their parties indicating which guests are under the
legal drinking age. The lists can contain up to 150 names and must be submitted
well in advance of the proposed party date. And unfortunately for Richard Derp,
that means someone must be burdened with the responsibility of verifying each
and every guest’s age.
Fueled by nothing but obscene amounts of coffee and sheer
willpower, Derp has been working diligently in his basement all weekend doing
exactly that. With 18 IFC fraternities potentially throwing parties in the
coming weeks, he most certainly has his work cut out for him. With his eyes incessantly
rotating between the guest lists and the student birthday database, Derp
commented, “I know it’s pretty time-consuming, but it’s for the good of the
students. And I definitely can’t take a break because more lists are going to
be coming in tomorrow anyway.” His job is an important one that requires a
unique meticulousness, for even the slightest oversight can result in underage
drinking at a frat party ““ something that never happens at college.
Recently, Richard was elated to find that junior Thomas
Abrams, an underage guest on the list for Lambda Sigma’s toga party planned for
November, had been incorrectly marked to indicate that he was 21. As a
consequence, the 63 brothers of Lambda Sigma were all forcefully removed from
campus and burned alive on the outskirts of the city. Richard Derp wishes their
families all the best during this tragic time, but for now his attention is
still focused on the grueling task at hand.
Though he is clearly a highly motivated individual, his
demanding new work hours have started to become a cause for concern by his
friends and family. He missed the birth of his first child on Saturday, and has
not communicated with any of his loved ones in the outside world since he began
his stint as the IFC’s Age Verifier earlier this week. “He seems to take the
position a bit too seriously,” said his wife, Sue. “He’s been locked away in
the basement and refuses to come out until he’s finished the job. But there’s
no end in sight, fraternities throw parties all the time! I wish he’d at least
come upstairs to meet his newborn daughter and maybe enjoy a nice meal.”
