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It’s the moooooost, wonderful
tiiiime, of the yeeeeeear!

Holiday season gets me so excited.
Family, presents, homecooked meals, no schoolwork, and that odd thing called “a
decent night’s sleep” that so many doctors talk about.

As for the presents portion, that’s
what I’m here for! According to meticulous research of my group of friends, I
have found that every group of friends does a Secret Santa, or something to
that effect, where you buy gifts for someone anonymously. These usually have a
budget, and below I have outlined the best possible gift ideas for any budget
you might have. GO CRAZY. But please, Mom, no more strippers. It was tacky and
classless and she stole my wallet.

If your budget is:


Theft ““ I put this first because I want to make it clear that while I don’t
outwardly agree with it, theft is ALWAYS an option, regardless of your budget.
Reminder: the cost of the item(s) you steal is directly proportional to the
amount of nights you’ll spend in a bed in jail with a large man named Cutie
Mix CD ““ Go back to the 90s! The choice gift for broke couples trying to keep
the spark alive.
Clothes That You Find in the Laundry Room ““ I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t
done this before. But honestly, they never find out.
Something Around the House ““ Keep in mind, it is essential that this item is
uncommon and/or specific enough to assure the person that you didn’t grab it on
the way to the party, even if you absolutely did that.


Footlong from Subway ““ When you order it, make sure you’re not texting in
line, because the workers behind the counter will get FUCKING PISSED at you if
you don’t answer “Do you want a cup of soup with that sandwich?” immediately.
And by the way, no I don’t, if I wanted a got damn cup of soup I would’ve asked
for one. (Credit Kevin Paule)
Flashlight ““ This was actually an option on a website for “Great Gifts Under
$5.” To make it fun”¦er”¦crap. I actually can’t think of a way to make a
flashlight fun. Maybe label it Fleshlight?
Jump Rope ““ A great way to tell someone, “You’re not fat yet, but I can tell
you’re going to be soon.”
Deck of Cards ““ For a fun effect, take one card out of the deck and challenge
them to see how fast they can finish a game of Solitaire.


Children’s Books ““ with captions in the pictures. Nothing says happy holidays
like a Berenstein Bears Christmas book with a dialogue bubble over Brother Bear’s
head, with him telling his mom “I swear if you give me one more pointless
lesson I will rip your face off and wear it as a hat.”
ShamWow! ““ The guy endorsing them is in jail now, so they’re cheap and hot on
the market! These things basically sell themselves. IT HOLDS 12 TIMES ITS


Fruit basket ““ As the great Demetri Martin once said, “A fruit basket enables
you to mail somebody fruit without appearing insane.” Need more reason?
Flask ““ The most appropriate way to tell your friend/relative that you accept and
support their alcohol problem.
Derek Jeter Cologne – “¦do I really need to explain this? C’mon son.


EZ Bake Oven ““ Nostalgia is the best present, and to be honest I never really
knew if these things worked for real baking, so I’m kind of curious. Try it
out! If it doesn’t work it can be “ironic.”
Really Classy Liquor ““ Much like the aforementioned (favorite word) flask,
this gift tells your friend that you accept and support their problem, but in
addition to that, the “classy” effect makes them feel really good about
themselves, which is exactly what they need.
Fake Diamond Ring ““ If you keep the lights very dimmed, she’ll never know!


Gold Handcuffs ““ Why get someone regular, bland silver handcuffs when you can
get them gold-plated handcuffs with optional gold fuzz? If you plan on making
an inappropriate pass at this person, handcuff yourself to something and only
give them the keys, which are also gold. Regardless of whether or not they like
you, social norms will force them to come unlock you, where you can get a
creepy whiff of her new perfume.
Ultimate Star Kit ““ Like the handcuffs, this takes an ordinary gift and goes
above and beyond”¦LITERALLY. Don’t just buy this person a star and name it after
them, in addition to that, put a picture of the star’s coordinates in a
metallic frame, along with a wallet sized picture of the star with its
coordinates! Never before has something so utterly pointless been so accessible
to the wealthy.
Someone to Stand In Line For Them ““ At, you can actually pay
someone ($36 an hour with a minimum 2 hours) to stand in line for you. I know
how long the lines are at the Galleria’s Panda Express at 2:30 on a Tuesday
afternoon, but now they don’t have to bear that burden!


A Tank ““ No, seriously, a fucking tank. They sell them online. Not only is it
A TANK, but when they pull that rolling piece of self-consciousness into the
village parking lot, no parking officer in his right mind would drive their
wanna-be smart car/golf cart near that thing.
Everything in Sky Mall ““ This idea is going on the assumption that since your
group of friends puts the Secret Santa budget at a milli, you own a plane. In
that plane is, undoubtedly, the latest Sky Mall. Don’t be a bitch, buy them
everything in that magazine. We know you can afford it.
$1,000,000 in $1 bills (Diving Board Included) ““ There is not a single person
in my readership (all 8 of you) who wouldn’t want to dive into a pile of their
own money. If the budget is only a milli, you’ll need to get it in 1s, so you
have enough to fill a pool. Diving board must be included, no exceptions.
Mix CD ““ What you hope will come off as a “thought-that-counts” gift will
actually tell your friend, “You couldn’t begin to imagine someone this cheap?
Open your eyes, hombre.”

Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah/Happy Kwanzaa, you
selfish bastard/bitch.

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