The Dept. of Psychology at the University of Missouri has
just released the results of a groundbreaking 10-year study conducted by Dr.
Bram Wiesel entitled “U MAD BRO, U SEEM MAD: A look at anger in college age populations.”
The
results indicate that, among the 1,876 students surveyed, over 90% between the
ages of 18-22 “seem mad tho.”
“When
compared to the control, the experimental group responded overwhelming in anger
when asked if they were “MAD BRO?'” Dr. Wiesel said.
Officials
at the University plan to use this study to validate the ongoing X-Stress
Program, which offers sparsely attended, weekly stress relief seminars from
acclaimed clinical psychologist and actor Don Cheadle.
“Y U NO
come to X-Stress with me?” Mr. Cheadle said, “I was on one episode of Night
Court.”
The
experiment consisted of dividing the application pool in half. The experimental
group was simply asked to write a concise summary of Richard Connell’s classic
short story “The Most Dangerous Game” for which they would be rewarded with 50
US dollars. However, during the writing, experimenters would burn, shred, or
otherwise molest their work halfway through, yelling “U MAD, BRO?”
The participants were then blindfolded
and bound together in groups of forty to be forcefully lead into a damp,
pitch-black basement in an unspecified location on campus.
It was in
this “Underground College Room of Doom” where the test subjects began to
fear they had unwittingly been thrust into more dire circumstances than they
had originally signed up for.
According
to the report, the screaming mostly subsided by the fifth hour, as the
subjects, heretofore referred to as “victims”, either fell asleep or lost all
hope entirely.
“At that
point, however, the ordeal was far from over. In fact, I was just getting
started,” Dr. Wiesel said.
Upon
awaking from what must have seemed like a horrible dream, the victims
collectively took stock of their entire lives up to that point as they prepared
to be battered by the various implements of physical and psychological
destruction wrought by Dr. Wiesel.
One
unfortunate group of victims was assaulted with dated internet memes and
two-year old Youtube videos. Another group awoke with electric dog collars
around their necks that they quickly discovered would deliver a painful shock
if they spoke anything but profanity.
Yet
another group was forced at gunpoint to sift through the entirety of the TV
show “Friends” Wikipedia page and change all instances of “their/they’re/there”
to the incorrect word, taking a shot of Spirituous Liquor at every instance of
the word “Rachel.”
Vomiting quickly occurred 13 “Rachel’s” out of the total 57.
Still, the
worst part may have been being forced to listen to Dr. Wiesel’s maniacal
laughter through the process.
“College
kids love alcohol, right? Right! Alcohol! Alcohol! Everything is about Alcohol!”
Dr. Wiesel said.
Suddenly,
at the experiment’s 30th hour, the light came on. Everyone was released without
a word and post-experiment surveys were distributed. Dr. Wiesel summarily
concluded the results:
“College
students sure are mad though.”
