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Article by Crispy Spumoni
September 15, 2012

Study Finds Surprising Cause of Weight Gain

by guest writer Kurt Steiner A new study from the Foundation for Medical Research (FMR) identifies a previously overlooked symptom of weight gain to be a possible cause of the malady. The suspect? Oversized pants. According to Dr. Jack Wyman, the lead scientist for the study, “A whopping 72% of those who had serious weight... MORE »

Article by Leah Folta
March 19, 2012

Parents refuse another bailout though sophomore says she is “too big to fail”

“I made a bad business decision. I understand that now,” an anonymous* student** says, of the six months’ food money she spent this week on airplane tickets, tequila, sunscreen, Mexican-jail-bribe money and large amounts of cocaine (“as a joke!” she insists, rolling her eyes). “I am an institution! In my hall, in my study groups,... MORE »

Article by Lia Woodward
March 19, 2012

USC scientists find causality between Impact font and laughter

Science finally got to the bottom of the text-superimposed-over-image meme appeal, and it could not have happened sooner. To everyone’s surprise and delight, the humor in a meme has nothing to do with the content and everything to do with the font. “Believe it or not, the human brain actually functions in fonts. For example,... MORE »

Article by Chris Varney
February 12, 2012

Complete stegosaurus fossil turns out to be Cheerios, broken bits of Cheerios

The entire scientific community held its collective breath last week when the most complete Stegosaurus fossil yet discovered was announced via press release. The press release reported that the nearly complete remains of the 27-foot armored stegosaurid dinosaur were discovered on a kitchen floor in Columbia, MO. “As there was never a precedent for the... MORE »

Article by Chris Varney
February 4, 2012

“Open Mike Night” not the same as “Open Mic Night” says Medical Student

A dozen or so eager students arrived in the basement of the Medical Sciences Building last night with acoustic guitars and crumpled notebook pages heavy with the ink of fresh poetry. The sudden appearance of knit caps and Chuck Taylor’s amongst the sea of surgical scrubs and face masks surprised the med students, who were... MORE »

Article by Chris Varney
January 27, 2012

Report: 90% of Mizzou undergraduate students “seem mad “

The Dept. of Psychology at the University of Missouri has just released the results of a groundbreaking 10-year study conducted by Dr. Bram Wiesel entitled “U MAD BRO, U SEEM MAD: A look at anger in college age populations.” The results indicate that, among the 1,876 students surveyed, over 90% between the ages of 18-22... MORE »

Article by apost
November 7, 2011

Recent Study Finds Cornell Cool Complex (CCC) Begins in Sophomore Year

The CCC has been speculated about amongst social scientists at Cornell University for many years. Until now the complex has never been able to be understood or analyzed seeing as the onset has been unclear. No longer do we have to merely hypothesize! “There seems to be an existing trend in some of the undergraduate... MORE »

Article by dang
March 29, 2011

Acclaimed Cornell Quantum Physicist Admits “We make shit up 75 percent of the time”

This past weekend Cornell University hosted the Annual Eastern Seaboard Quantum Physics Consortium. The event, attended by  hundreds of physicists studying Quantum Mechanics and Astro-Physics, was the stage of a shocking revelation. In his opening remarks, Professor Steve Holtz declared to a crowd of 700 that most of Quantum Mechanics is “make believe”.   Holtz, who graduated... MORE »