This past week you may have noticed people buried beneath the weight of rectangular rice krispie treats and stacks of pop as they walk to their dorms. This is not uncommon. In fact, it has become the celebrated norm around Mizzou.

The meal plan the university offers is currently biting people in the ass. Hard. Many students have anywhere from fifty to one hundred fifty meals to use in the next three weeks. While one might think this an impossible feat to accomplish, first off you must remember there is the Mizzou 22 for a reason, and second, there’s this bitchin’ place called Emporium that makes all things possible.

That’s not all though. In order to make this happen and avoid the parents’ wrath, one must adopt an unwavering belief. The long lines outside of dining halls are reminiscent of the Cold War era, but rather than “duck and cover” Mizzou students now fervently believe in “hoard and consume.”

Freshman Anthony Wells agreed to comment on this topic while waiting in the Emporium line for fifty minutes. He wanted to buy a bag of bagels.

“Everyone knows about the hoard and consume motto. Even if they don’t know about it,” Wells said. “Like, I can’t even open my door all the way anymore, I have so many damn packs of Orange Crush. Don’t look at me like that”¦ it’s a guilty pleasure!”

Everyone has noticed the influx of people eating at dining halls. In fact, finding an available seat is nearly impossible nowadays. If you want one, make sure you bring a table-holder of some sort, whether it’s your dirty laundry or a shoe, just put something there to mark your territory. Peeing won’t work.

A sure-fire way to get rid of all those meals, as mentioned above, is visiting Emporium. It’s the g-spot for students desperate to hoard and consume. With a setup similar to a mini grocery store, students can buy anything from a slice of pizza to fruit rollups to yogurt. And all of these delicacies are points on the meal plan rather than E-Z charge.

“Emporium is like, legit, dude,” said Sean Anderson, sophomore. “Not only do they have gushers, but they have packs of Gatorade for like, eight meals or something. Totally radical!”

When told that eight meals are equivalent to roughly sixty-five dollars, Anderson was appalled. “Damn dude,” he said.

Studies have shown that at this rate of hoarding and consuming students will have gained the capacity to stay in their rooms for days without worrying about starvation by the time finals roll around. This could be a helpful study tool.

Sara Nelson, freshmen, summed up the situation. “We’re all desperate and willing to do
whatever it takes to use these goddamn meals. Even if it means adding to my love handles.”