Another round of negotiations fell through between the Tau Kappa Chi (TKX) Fraternity and the United Nations concerning TKX’s uranium enrichment program Wednesday.
This most recent round of negotiations appears to be the last as neither side is willing to make concessions. The fraternity and the UN have been in talks since UN weapons inspectors found 32 grams of elemental Uranium during a routine inspection three months ago.
“Sure, we have a lot of Uranium. But if you divide the amount we have the amount of guys here, it’s barely anything,” TKX brother Andrew Goldman said.
The UN has placed TKX on social probation since the discovery and is threatening to pull their charter due to the amount of the element discovered.
“We consider under 31 grams of Uranium to be for personal use. One G more and someone is for sure trying to destroy the entire civilized world,” UN inspector Clyde Davenport said to critics calling the UN’s sanctions an “over-reaction” and “hella lame”.
TKX maintains the Uranium-238 is being enriched to only reactor grade for “a most dope Homecoming display that will glow for approximately 2,000 years.”
The UN counters that the fraternity will have “weapons grade uranium by the end of the month with missiles capable of delivering a city-flattening payload across continents by the end of this year.”
Despite fraternity claims that they have nothing to hide, TKX refuses to grant UN officials access to the sprawling underground enrichment facility underneath the TKX house, which was built by the spring ’04 pledge class.
“Get enough brothers together and a gaseous diffusion chamber essentially builds itself,” Pledge Class of ’04 member Dustin Combs said, “The puns were the trickiest part. I think at one time we tried to combine “hazing” and “Hazmat” together for humorous effect. Needless to say, it was easier to concentrate levels of U-235 than write a good joke.”
Combs stands behind his brothers’ decision to stand up to the UN and break the stereotypes he faces in his post-college life.
“Everyone knows the stereotypes about being in fraternity. It comes up that I went Greek in college and all my co-workers just assume I know where to get Uranium and crumble easily to pressure from international peace keeping organizations. I’m proud of my brothers for taking a stand,” Combs said.
The stigma of radioactive materials use continues to cloud the international debate over the legality of such substances.
“Most people over look the medicinal and practical use of Uranium. X-rays and nuclear power-plants are both boons to society,” Pro-Uranium Activist and Attorney Sandra Weekly said, “Historically, only the US government has abused Uranium in two high-profile cases. They have ruined radiation for responsible citizens everywhere.”
“I’m not going to bomb Japan again or anything. I just want some shit to glow,” Goldman said.
