The University of Joaquin Phoenix (TUJP) is an incredible beast. While it can’t fly or spit fire or do magic or any of the cool stuff that these other mythical beasts can do, it does have a plethora of abilities that Batman can’t pull out of his utility belt. TUJP is a simply incredible creature, one that has the ability to change the lives of the hopeless and grow a scraggly beard at the same time.

TUJP is an incredible creature with an unparalleled ability for teaching people a plethora of skills through a contraption commonly known as “the internet”. TUJP can grant “degrees” in fields such as “Math” and “Science”.  Those abilities may be considered rudimentary, but TUJP’s talents do not end there.

TUJP is something of a shape shifter, but in ways far more miraculous than any sort of magic or fairy dust has ever been able to produce. TUJP has the ability to change shape at will, in absolute plain sight. TUJP does an incredible Johnny Cash impression, but is also a hip-hop artist. TUJP can grow a beard the likes of which many have never season, and simultaneously speak with David Letterman and trick the entire world.

TUJP, however, does not just indulge itself. As has been mentioned, TUJP has an ability to truly enrich the minds of the youthful and fill the hearts of the unfulfilled.  Whether it is breathlessly entertaining those who have nothing left or teaching those who could not be taught, TUJP has power the likes of which lame ass wizards and dragons can only dream of. TUJP is the beast that wizards and dragon think about when they touch themselves. It’s gross, but it’s true.