Feeling guilty about defacing campus property during your night of binge drinking? Concerned someone may find out about the fire alarm you pulled at 4 AM following another round of Keystone Light and Captain Morgan? Or are you paranoid your RA can smell the pot seeping from your room? Stuff your sins in a cup! That’s right, grab a cup of coffee and receive eternal redemption!

Students from the Christianity is Right, Everything Else is Wrong (CREEW) organization spent a day outside Brady Commons handing out free coffee hoping to spread their message. Just an added perk of being a student at MU, but low-and-behold, there’s method to the madness. On the outside of the cup was the name of the chosen one; the alpha and omega.

Just when you took a sigh of relief upon graduation from St. Crazy Strict’s Catholic High, the Messiah wasn’t quite ready to let you into the craziness of a public university. “JESUS” was painted around the cup. A little intimidating to most students, kind of like the idea of an all-seeing eye on the dollar bill. Big Brother isn’t the only one watching you.

“I’d come home from school once a week with a very apparent ruler-induced slap mark across my face, back and asscheeks. Sister Tabby hated me ever since I put a cherry bomb in our pastor’s private toilet in sixth grade. I was really excited to finally graduate and head to a public university like Mizzou where I could escape my 81 prayers for the Rosary, and the only Hail Mary’s I’d witness were the ones on the football field,” freshman Joseph Francisco said.

The overwhelming scoffs at the organization’s attempt to spread their message could be heard from atop Memorial Union. Some, however, welcomed the so called Redemption-In-A-Cup.

“Off the record, I felt relieved. I got this coffee, and while it was a decent brew, I was really excited to be holding something so holy. I feel truly liberated from my darkest sins. I’ve killed too many prostitutes in Grand Theft Auto lately and it really keeps me awake at night,” sophomore Mary Redder confessed.

“I’m probably going to save my sanity and transfer to TCU or a private Catholic school. Let’s be honest, I’m never going to escape the church and those wretched memories,” Francisco said as he finished his free coffee and deposited the empty container into a bush outside Ellis Library.